Itachi One Half
by K-chan9
Summary: After receiving a curious mission from Pain, Itachi and Kisame investigate some rumored cursed springs in Rice Country; what they get is far more than they ever bargained for. Rating for Hidan's potty mouth. Please read and review! Ch 11 is up after a delay, sorry !
1. In the Beginning

Disclaimer: Do not own any of these characters or the springs

Disclaimer: Do not own any of these characters or the springs.

Hi, I return from the dead. College has afforded me enough fair time to try out a silly idea that came to me- in a very, very boring Statistics class. Even if you know the Ranma ½ hijinks, I'll be handling them a bit differently. Hilarity and chaos await.

XX

On a whim very uncharacteristic of Pein, Itachi found himself on a mission that had seemingly nothing to do with hunting down Jinchuuriki. Why exactly he and Kisame were wandering around in the Village of Rice seemed trivial in comparison to the larger scheme of things. With their members slowly dwindling, a side mission seemed superfluous. Orders were orders.

"Eh Itachi, what exactly was the point of dragging me al-"

A glare was enough to silence his blue partner. He was agitated enough as it was, but his keen senses were at least telling them they were close, very close to their destination.

XX

The puzzled look on Hidan's, face which was beginning to look like it was bordering on utter outrage, had unsettled Deidara enough to scoot politely away from the zealot.

"So let me get this straight. Itachi and Kisame get to go play around in some mother fuckin' HOT SPRINGS, while we are stuck on damn sentry duty in a hideout no one gives a shit about."

"Tobi thinks Pein must 'give a shit' about it, if we're guarding it."

"Shut up!"

Deidara hated to admit it but this exchange was pretty accurate at summing up the mood of their lovely excursion from their normal duties. Tobi's mere presence seemed to make Hidan even more profane than usual and watching Kakazu calculate his total earnings (most of which was obtained illegally) only proved entertaining for a brief while. Why was it that they always seemed to be stuck with the grunt work? Zetsu was probably out gardening or eating people or whatever the heck he does by himself. Pein was well, being crafty and secretive, which meant by the same token Konan was being crafty and secretive with him. It was times like this, that he kind of missed Sasori. The plate of food soaring in Deidara's general direction was enough to jar him from his brooding. He dodged, but barely.

"Sorry Deidara, I was aiming for Mr. fuckin' Loquacious over there. "

"Tobi does not understand why you have to be so hostile!"

"Because I'm stuck here and Jashin needs sacrifices right about now!"

In some other realm this scene might have been comical, but since this was a room of S-class ninjas, things could get messy, even messier than the miso soup oozing from the cracked bowl all over the floor. Someone was going to have to clean that up. Another fight someone was going to have to arbitrate. The looks on everyone's faces clearly said, 'I'm not doing it.' This of course led Hidan into another vulgar soliloquy. Insanity was mounting, very quickly. Deidara was sick of all of it.

"Calm down, yeah. Calm down, Hidan if it's any consolation, Itachi and Kisame are not on a "fuckin'" tour of hot springs, they are actually searching for rumored springs, with ancient curses, and I don't really think you need anymore curses."

A grunt was the reply. Well, it was better than nothing, he supposed. Hidan sighed frustrated and stalked off to go found a broom, muttering obscenities as he went. Kakakzu just continued about his business quietly. Deidara smirked to himself, order, or as close as they were going to get to it, was returned. Tobi however, looked nothing sort of spooked.

"Tobi does not like curses!"

Deidara sighed deeply. That made two of them. But since Pein was so set on finding those springs, surely they would only be of use to them, right?

XX

Kisame was leaning on Samehade while Itachi examined a nearby spring. They'd been wandering around for hours, and still no signs of luck. His partner got up shaking his head, another failure. Kisame shuffled after Itachi to the next spring, not too far off. They'd followed the informant's instructions exactly. Maybe it was just a rumor. Another wild goose chase, just what they needed.

"Kisame."

Itachi's soft voice called him over. He walked to stand beside his partner who was staring intently the spring in front of him. There's no telling what he could see with those eyes of his. Kisame had never really liked the Sharingan, but even he could sense there was a little something about this particular spring and the area they'd wandered into.

"I'll collect a sample to take back," Itachi stated. Kisame shrugged, it couldn't hurt. His partner pulled a small vial from his cloak, but as he knelt down to lean in to collect his specimen, something very uncharacteristic happened. Itachi slipped.

SPLASH!!

Itachi yelled startled, well startled for Itachi, which basically meant a rather loud grunt. In any case, it was enough for Kisame to point and laugh.

"Oh- wow. Some genius you are!" Kisame's laughter began to subside, once he realized that Itachi hadn't surfaced yet. He stepped a bit closer.

"I-Itachi?" He seriously did not want to have to go find another partner, or do something uncharacteristically heroic and save him. A loud gasp filled the air. Kisame smiled; he'd worried for nothing, Itachi was safe on the other side of the-

"Stop!" He pointed Samehade at the stranger who'd surfaced in the middle of the spring. "Where the heck's Itachi?"

The stranger with a deep tone of rogue hair nearing black and a pair of familiar looking red eyes glared impatiently at Kisame.

"As funny as this must seem to you Kisame, I'm right-"

Kisame fell back with a thud on the ground stunned and the girl in the water, stared at her hands in horror. Both of their eyes met, in realization, shock and in Kisame's case utter amusement.

A very feminine shriek pierced the air. Pein's cursed springs, seemed to be very real indeed.

XX

Just a fun light hearted story in the works. Tell me what you think. They'll be pairings of some sort later. This is really just my attempt to maybe start writing fanfiction again, and have a little fun while I'm at it. I do have a pretty serious Zetsu fic pretty much story boarded. But, we'll see how this goes. Read and review. Enjoy!


	2. The Curse!

Yeah so I'm sure this update was not as swift as people would have liked

Yeah so I'm sure this update was not as swift as people would have liked. This story got a ridiculous amount of hits and only 6 reviews. Feedback is a helpful tool to make me stop being busy, put other things on hold (like my research proposal…oops) and write. Anyway chapter 2… poor itachi.

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If he were anyone else, this would probably be comical. If he were not being glared at by a pair blood red eyes threatening murder, he would be rolling on the ground laughing. If they both were not so incredibly screwed right now, he would submit this to Mist Village's Funniest Home Videos. Kisame looked warily at his partner who was still staring at himself silently. Kisame had to admit- Itachi did not make an ugly girl. In this form he was much more slight, his high cheekbones and prominent scowl had been substantially softened and well…obviously he'd sprouted some very feminine body parts.

"Stop staring," Itachi scolded, pulling the edges of his now oversized robe around his (her!) shoulders. "It's rude." Kisame snorted, looks like Itachi had acquired some PMS with this form too. A sharp pain seared through the back of Kisame's head, he turned as glared down at his partner.

"What the hell was that for?!"

"Let's call it a pre-emptive shut up. Let's get out of here," Itachi said as he tried to move with his normal grace towards the nearest town and only ended up nearly tripping over his cloak.

"Uh Itachi?"

"Yes Kisame."

"How are we going to get out of here-you used genjutsu to get us into this country. Can you still use-"

"Of course Kisame." Itachi smirked; girl or not he was still an Uchiha. He formed the seals so he could make a good disguise for Kisame, his partner's genjutsu hand always left much to be desired. With a poof a smoke Kisame was transformed and Itachi's faith in his abilities was restored…sort of.

"Uh Itachi,"

"Yes Kisame," Couldn't his partner see he was basking in his utter resilience in the face of adversity right now? Uh oh.

"Just WHAT do you think you're doing?!" Itachi turned to stare face to face with Kisame as a mermaid…no wait merman. Itachi deadpanned. Maybe they were in more trouble than they originally thought. This time it was Kisame's scream that pierced through the air.

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They resorted to good old-fashioned disguises. Itachi was unrecognizable as it was and Kisame's jutsus were enough to at least get his skin away from that very notorious shade of blue towards something more normal. They managed to "procure" some clothing from wandering peasants much to Itachi's dismay. Kisame was posing as a father while Itachi would be playing the lovely role of loyal daughter.

"You know, you need a name," Kisame said, observing his partner now dressed in slightly baggy black paints and a rather form fitting red shirt. Itachi sighed and looked away.

"I suppose you're right."

"How about Penelope?"

"No."

"Gertrude."

"…"

"Precious?"

Through gritted teeth Itachi growled, "I appreciate your input Kisame. But, I think I'll just come up with a name."

"Okay this ones good, how about: I'm in entirely too damn PICKY!"

Itachi waved his partner away; he just didn't think he could live with himself if he had to go by any of those ridiculous names. He needed something…well androgynous.

"I'm going by Kaoru in this form, it's a female and male name."

Kisame shrugged. "Kaoru it is, lead the way princess."

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The town they arrived in first was the touristy site located near the springs. Itachi figured the first thing they need to do was figure out how to get through the border, their usual spiel nullified until he figured out how to use his chakra properly. He felt like a novice again. It wasn't until they passed something particularly intriguing that Itachi stopped his thoughts. Kisame was eyeing the marquee for Cursed Springs Tours with the same interest as Itachi and both were giving knowing glares at the tour guide joyously rallying a group of tourists around his red umbrella. No words needed to be exchanged as the both stormed up to the slightly plump guide, still beaming under his canvas brown hat, happily sipping a steaming cup of tea.

"Why how may I help you sir and young lady?" Itachi loudly cracked his knuckles.

"What the hell is up with these springs?" Kisame barked. The man continued grinning.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"I think you know exactly what we mean," Itachi said, his trademark glare even more deadly than usual. Rage was seething through him.

"Ah!" The toured guide smiled. "Did you take a dip in one of our lovely springs miss?" Itachi looked like he was on the verge of murder, his normal patience destroyed. He grabbed the man by the scruff of his shirt and just as he was about to attempt to use the sharingan on him, the man slung his tea all over Itachi's face. Itachi dropped him promptly, trying to get the scalding tea off his face.

"My eyes!" he said in a much deeper voice. As he struggled to open his eyes, he glanced down at his hands; they seemed to be back to normal. Regaining his senses, he shoved the man against the wall, sharingan fully up and running.

"What did you just do to me?" Itachi growled holding a kunai up to the sputtering man's throat.

"Nothing you just seemed to have fallen into the Spring of Drowned Girl, all you need to do is-"

An ear-piercing shriek went through the air.

"CRIMINALS!! CALL THE POLICE!" The tourists were scrambling in every direction. "And one of them does evil magic!"

Shit. So much for low profile…

Kisame and Itachi took this as their cue to run. Too bad they were very easy to follow, as a man with odd blue splotches on his skin and a guy with clothes that looked like they were about to pop at the seems were decently easy to follow.

"Why am I not killing all of these people?"

"Because I am not a fan of unnecessary bloodshed."

Kisame quickly dodged a purse being hurled his direction.

"Uh, could you change the threshold for necessary?" The two rounded the corner only to be met with an even angrier crowd.

"It's that evil thug and his tall friend. GET THEM."

Kisame mused a moment. Just how did he get reduced to tall friend? Itachi pulled him down an alleyway before he could finish his train of thought. Admittedly this situation had gotten beyond ridiculous. Itachi and Kisame began to gear up for some serious carnage; they probably should've paid more attention or they would've heard the voice from above call out they were emptying the flower water. Then perhaps, Itachi could've dodged or done something cool and Uchiha-like or Kisame could do whatever it is he does, but the fact is they didn't dodge and Itachi ended up very soaked.

"I hate this place." Kisame glanced over at his partner who was drenched and…again female.

"Uh Itachi- err Kaoru?" The voices of the angry mob following them were growing decidedly louder. His partner looked angry at the revelation of being unable to stay in one gender for over an hour, but dismissed it, the mob only a block a way.

"Sorry Kisame," he began forming seals.

"They went down this alleyway! Let's go!"

Kisame's eyes widened. "No not ag-" POOF. The loud mob rounded the corner, pitchforks at the ready.

"Oh, it's just some girl and a mermaid, they must've gone done another alley!" Loud shouts of agreement were abound and the mob was off.

Kisame glared daggers at Itachi. This had to be the most miserable and awful experience of his entire existence. And he was a merman, dammit.

Speaking of half human-half other miscellaneous entities, Zetsu was beginning to wonder just why Itachi and Kisame had not bothered to check in with him as was customary. It was very odd.

"Zetsu-san, you don't think something's wrong do you?" Tobi asked also noticing the lack of news.

"I'm sure its nothing, Itachi is extremely competent. He and Kisame have probably already finished their mission and do not wish to bother us with the details."

Tobi seemed satisfied with this and went back to eating his meal.

Oh how very wrong they were….

Somehow Kisame was able to hold his temper long enough to talk the innkeeper down to a low price for a room without killing anyone- again their usual tomfoolery was to allow Itachi to genjutsu the money if they ran short and this seemed like it was going to be a long painful, journey back to an enraged Pein. Itachi quite frankly felt gross from the events of the day and immediately wanted to take a nice long shower and certainly anyone would if they found themselves a sudden member of the opposite sex. Without a word to Kisame, he stormed into the bathroom immediately once they entered their room and slammed the door.

Being a girl was just weird and considering the events of the day, Itachi thought he was taking it quite well. That tour guide was a good lead, but Pein would start to get suspicious of them soon. Cursed or not, they would need to report back to him soon or risk untold amounts of punishment. Itachi slowly kicked out of his clothes while thinking. Weaker individuals would be crying in a corner right now, despite his rather showy displays of emotion (mostly outrage) today, he definitely had taken it like a man. Perhaps that wasn't the best cliché' to use right now… he climbed into the shower and turned on the hot water. They needed time to, think they need time-

"AAAAAAAAAAH!!"

Kisame's ears perked up. Was his partner spontaneously combusting? He knew it was bad, but perhaps Itachi was committing seppuku as the Uchiha honor had been tarnished?! But why would Itachi even care? Kisame nearly ripped the shower door off its hinges storming to the rescue.

"Ita-, whoa!" A very naked male stared back at him from the shower. Kisame's eyes widened.

"Oh I thought you were-"

"That wouldn't have made it OK."

"But still I-"

"Kisame, shut the door."

"Right. Right."

Awkward.

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Post shower incident, Kisame and Itachi thought it was time the two of them talked over their dinner. Itachi's cloak was draped about his broad shoulders, all but abandoning his less preferred stolen outfit. Kisame leaned against their room's wall, a decent distance from his partner, not sure if Itachi was still angry about earlier. Gathering the day's events, they tried to piece together the solution to Itachi's troubling predicament.

"OK you fell into the spring, you turned into a girl."

"I get tea thrown on me, I am male."

"A woman dumps flower water on you, you go back to being a chick."

"While _attempting_ to take a shower in peace, I turn male."

"Look I said I'm sorry, OK. And here we bloody are!"

Kisame sighed shifting his weight uncomfortably. He hoped the Mangekyo sharingan range was about a foot, because he did not feel like he was far enough away.

"Kisame I think I understand." Kisame raised an eyebrow as Itachi picked up his glass of water. He closed his eyes and slung the water on his face.

"OK you've gone insane."

Itachi blinked, his now feminine eyes coming into focus. "Have I?"

"Whoa!" Kisame said, stunned by his transformation more stunned by Itachi's very visible breasts showing through his cloak. Itachi followed his eyes and quickly shielded his chest from view.

"I think you've seen quite enough."

Kisame snorted. "Whatever and how do you turn back Ms. Bitchy."

Itachi reached for the tea kettle on the table setting. He winced again before he poured water on himself.

"See."

"If I didn't get the feeling you were going to kill me in a few minutes, I'd applaud."

Itachi stood to his full masculine height.

"Uh, pardon me but I am still confused." Itachi sighed.

"It would appear that the cool spring water from the Spring of Drowned Girl, contains the property of turning anything it touches female. However, as the opposite of cool water is hot water; hot water has the opposite effect, thus I turn male. I imagine that's what the tour guide was about to say before we were interrupted."

"Oh, well, how do you change back permanently?"

"I… don't know."

"Oh…well could you turn into a girl again, one more time please?"

Itachi looked up with the coldest glare Kisame had ever seen.

"Ok…guess not."

It was going to be a long journey back to the base.

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Well it seems Itachi has figured out how his little curse works. More crazy hijinks in store as the search for the cure continues along with more appearances from different Narutoverse characters. Please read and review. I update faster, love constructive criticism and know that people actually find this funny/not funny/appalling/ etc…

Toodles.


	3. The Conflict!

It's been a while, again

It's been a while, again. Finals, research papers, and collage essays take precedence over Itachi and Kisame. Sad-but true. But I am now in the glorious days of summer, so when I am not researching- I may be motivated to update, like now. Thanks for the kind reviews! This story is way above 500 hits and I would love to have more feedback. I'll write faster, I promise. Anyway, let us trudge onward…

On a completely unrelated side note I made a fairly comical (and ridiculous) Itachi related video here, though I wouldn't recommend it if you're not up to date mangawise: /play/LEYlDgiIboYOGa3jCoUTFA

Enjoy.

See I am showering you with gifts.

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Oh, what a lovely morning. The birds were chirping and the sunbeams streamed with the partially open curtains surrounding the window. If one looked hard enough, it was said a rainbow could be seen cascading over the mountains.

Too bad Kisame wasn't a morning person and hated being woken up by sunlight obnoxiously shining into his retina. He jerked out of bed, opened the window and told the birds to shut up because there was nothing to be so damn excited about. He observed his partner with some interest, wondering how he could sleep through all of this nonsense and decided to go downstairs to get some much needed legal drugging in the form of caffeine. Carefully, he performed the transformation jutsu, which this time made him sickeningly pale. He hated the subterfuge crap anyway; ridiculous violence was the way to go. Pulling on his hat, he left the dozing Itachi and clunked groggily down the stairs. Drowsily, he poured himself some coffee given to him by the innkeeper. Sleepily, he gulped it down, searching for something to read. Definitely not lucidly, he read over the wanted poster for Itachi and himself for harassment and attempted murder of innocent persons. Wait, what the hell? Kisame rubbed his eyes and got closer to the poster. Oh, gods, are you serious? Just what they needed to make the morning even peachier...

Itachi definitely was awake to hear Kisame drag himself out of bed and begin the morning with AM curses to dumb animals. He had been awake long before that trying to figure out how to make their way back to Pein while maintaining a low profile. So he was slowly packing his things when Kisame burst into the room.

"Itachi we got a problem." Itachi looked over his shoulder to fine a poorly illustrated wanted poster for the two of them. So much for low profile…

Meanwhile a certain diabolical leader for whom they were supposed to be keeping a low profile for was getting very impatient. Itachi and Kisame were supposed to be the intelligent ones…well, Itachi at least. His senses told him that something was just not right. Using his telepathy link to Zetsu, he called their intelligence-gathering guru to him. In perfect Zetsu fashion, the humanoid venus flytrap popped out of the ground before Pein, dismantling several floor tiles in the process. Zetsu rubbed his head.

"You called?" he asked dusting rubble from his hair.

Pein raised an eyebrow. "I hope you're going to clean that up."

"Uh, maybe?"

"Oh, OK. I kind of liked the design there, but anyway Itachi and Kisame have lingered far too long. I need you to go check up on them and report back here."

Zetsu nodded, he had planned on going to find those two anyway. He turned to burrow out, but Pein stopped him once more.

"Do tell me if you notice anything out of place. And Zetsu, could you please do that outside?"

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They'd finished packing all of their things and were getting ready to leave the inn. Itachi had taken the liberty splashing himself with sink water and was thus in girl form. Kisame was trying to transform into a suitable color.

"Are we good now?

"A little less blue."

Kisame growled. What was wrong with blue? He transformed again and Itachi seemed satisfied.

"Have you figured out how to properly use jutsu yet?" Kisame asked his partner who was gathering his things. Itachi shook his head no. Their usual route home was swarming with border patrols and with a somewhat helpless Itachi, it would probably just make them more vulnerable. They'd need to travel like…well normal people.

"We should probably see if one of the tourist groups is heading to the Fire Country. We can leave them when we get past the more guarded areas." Itachi said as she headed for the door.

"I was thinking the same thing…Kaoru."

"Glad we're on the same page…father."

Oh this was so awkward.

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Kiba had never been assigned a mission with his father before, even if it was as simple as mission as intelligence gathering. Apparently, there were springs around this town, which would explain the large number of tourists. Still, he was restless and Akamaru was bored and had taken a liking to barking at people. But, it was better than being at home as his sister had become rather obsessed with finding him a suitable match so their clan wouldn't fall into obscurity like a certain Uchiha clan we all know and love (or hate).

Kiba was dozing peacefully on Akamaru when a paper flew and hit him in the face. Angrily he pulled it off and it was a wanted poster for Itachi and Kisame?! Things might have just gotten interesting. His dad took that moment to come out of the store.

"We are leaving later today. We'll be escorting a group back to Fire Country. It seems there are no serious threats to Konoha brewing in this area."

That was so not true. Kiba thrust the wanted poster in front of his father's eyes. Hello, most wanted criminals ever right here?

"Kiba, sharks don't walk on land, that's not very funny."

Kiba face-faulted. There goes his glorious return to Konoha.

"But, Dad, shouldn't we at least investigate?" Akamaru barked in approval.

"Kiba we really should be getting home. I'm sure your sister and mother will be needing your opinion on things soon."

This situation definitely sucked.

Speaking of people in terribly sucky situations, Itachi and Kisame were wandering the town in search of people headed to the fabulous Fire Country. Itachi was getting tired and cranky. He was started to think that his female form made him even more moody and brooding, and yes, that is in fact possible.

"Kisame, let's take a break. Perhaps we should eat."

"We've only been at this for two hours princess. Get over yourself."

"I can probably still hurt you, you know."

"Not with your girly punches."

! THUNK !

Itachi stormed down the street leaving his partner rubbing a sore jaw.

"Ow, dammit," Kisame groaned running to catch up with Itachi, "I was kidding!"

Itachi didn't look satisfied and stormed up to a juice vendor. The young cashier smiled at his approach.

"Hi can I help you today miss?" the cashier chimed, smiling a bit too widely. Itachi raised an eyebrow at this, but decided not to comment. Miss was definitely going to take some getting used to.

"I'd just like some mango juice, if you don't mind," Itachi said as she began searching her pockets for money.

The cashier continued that eerie smile. "Oh don't worry, I don't mind."

Itachi was starting to feel very uncomfortable as the cashier hummed a tune while getting her drink. The man glanced over his shoulder at him and Itachi began to realize what was going on; he was being checked out. Oh this was…degrading. Awful. Terrible. If it weren't entirely against everything he stood for, now would be an appropriate time to weep. Kisame, observing from across the street, found this an appropriate time to point and laugh.

The cashier returned seemingly far to slowly with the mango juice. Itachi fumbled for change to pay him still wondering if killing this man would cross his unnecessary bloodshed threshold. He sipped it. Well at least it was tasty.

"Say, I haven't seen you around here before. Seems like I would've notice a pretty face."

Itachi tried not to choke to death on his straw. Must keep the Uchiha cool. Must keep calm.

"I'm not from here. I'm just visiting with my…father."

"That must be nice. So how long are you staying?"

"We're actually leaving today." Thank God, Itachi internalized.

"Oh that's a shame. Next time you're in town, stop by again."

"O…K?" It wasn't in his nature to be rude. He didn't really understand this flirting thing, was saying no rude? Was killing annoying people rude? Oh being a girl is so difficult.

Kisame decided to take this opportunity to save Itachi from his misery. He appeared next to Itachi, who was becoming very flustered.

"Come on now Kaoru, let's leave this nice boy alone."

Oh, Itachi wanted to die. Just walk away, salvage your dignity…

"Bye, and the drinks on me cutie!" That stupid smile again.

Kisame held Itachi back by the collar before he could attack anyone and drug him unceremoniously down the street. He couldn't have Itachi being wanted in both forms. And besides, he just thought he might have a solution to their money problem.

"Kisame!" A voice called. He glanced around; Itachi heard it too. In the shadow of a tree, lurked a Zetsu soil clone. Oh they were in so much trouble. Checking to make sure they weren't being observed, Kisame slipped into the shadows.

"Pein wonders what is taking so long Kisame?"

"Well, you know it was a tough mission," Zetsu glared, "sort of." Kisame chuckled. Itachi snorted, bringing Zetsu's attention to her.

"Kisame, I know you must be a lonely man, but on the job you can't just-"

Itachi thought this was the appropriate time to have a coughing fit.

"It's nothing like that. You see this is Itachi," Kisame said presenting his partner with a flourish.

"Oh Kisame, I know you're desperate but this is just a new low," Zetsu said, sighing.

"Dammit! I'm serious!"

Itachi took this moment to intervene, interrupting the conversation by loudly clearing her throat.

"I am in fact Itachi, Zetsu," she managed to briefly turn on the Sharingan, "If you really need more convincing I'd be happy to show you." The Mangekyou began to spin although in a slower and less threatening fashion than usual. Zetsu stepped back slightly.

"Ah, I'm beginning to see the resemblance." Itachi turned the Sharingan off and handed Zetsu the vial.

"This is the water vial from the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo. If you could tell Pein that I have fallen into the Spring of Drowned Girl and will be returning as soon as I can," he tossed the water to the clone.

"But Itachi, are you stuck like that?" Zetsu asked. Kisame produced a hot water thermos from their bag and poured it over Itachi.

"Not permanently. It would seem hot water reverses the effect, however, it is very…troubling. Do tell Pein to find an antidote immediately. I figure he would know since he sent us on the mission."

The Zetsu clone stared at Itachi in disbelief and clutched the vial to him.

"I will tell Pein of this immediately, expect him to contact you soon."

Itachi and Kisame both nodded. Kisame began rummaging through his pack to find a bottle of water to toss on Itachi. Zetsu turned to leave. Itachi stopped him.

"Oh and Zetsu," the clone turned and Itachi gave him a wicked smile, "don't spill it."

Zetsu gave a terrified nod and left.

Kisame poured the bottled water of his partner's head.

"How long until we get a call from an outraged Pein?" Kisame asked his now female partner.

"I'd say about a three hours. Let's be out of here before then."

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Somewhere in the dark recesses of somewhere is the Akatsuki headquarters. Surely, it is very evil and intimidating, but since no one really knows what it looks like, it is awfully hard to describe, so let it suffice to say that Zetsu arrived there quickly and that he arrived there in a very shaken up fashion. During the journey Zetsu decided he would probably not be a very pretty girl and did not want to be tormented by all the beautiful people, therefore he did not spill even a drop of the vial.

Pein sensed Zetsu's arrival and waved him into his intimidating throne room, which we have to assume exists because that is a headquarters essential. Zetsu approached Pein holding out the vial.

"They have completed the mission Pein. A clone collected this from Itachi himself," Pein took the vial from Zetsu, seemingly satisfied as he held it up to the light.

"Oh please be careful!" Zetsu said, stepping back in case Pein had an unfortunate accident. Pein raised an eyebrow at this.

"What do you mean? Where are Itachi and Kisame?"

Zetsu twiddled his thumbs. "Well… you see,"

Five agonizing minutes of explanation and Pein struggling to keep from laughing later, Zetsu finished. The Akatsuki leader leaned back in his chair, looking surprisingly calm about the whole situation.

"So the curse of the springs is true, however, not in the useful manner I had hoped. However, Itachi's situation is very serious," Pein said, while Zetsu stifled a giggle.

"He has been a loyal member to this organization. We must see if something can be done so that he can retain his usefulness to me," Pein stroked his chin. He had a plan…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Itachi and Kisame continued to meander through town. Short on money, and low on morale the partners were growing slightly discouraged. They found a group leaving, however, there was no way to afford their price for last minute additions. Kisame was trying to come up with a plan, but a boy and man with an overgrown dog distracted him. He always loved overly large animals, for some reason they reminded him of well…him. Hmm.

Itachi followed his partner as he meandered over to the group. He didn't have to get too close to notice the Konoha forehead protectors. Maybe Kisame was smarter than he gave him credit for.

"Hello! I was just admiring your fine dog," Kisame said reaching to pet none other than Akamaru's head; he was greeted with a low growl. Kisame winced; he never liked dogs anyway. He turned to the older man.

"Well he actually belongs to my son. He's a member of our clan," the man said, glad that someone seemed interested in their work.

"So you're from Fire Country," Kisame said, observing the leaf headband. The man nodded. "My daughter and I are trying to return there, but we have run unexpectedly short on money."

"That's too bad. My son and I are supposed to escort a group back later today. Perhaps, we can figure out something, my name is Inuzuka Shinta," the older ninja said reaching out to sake the hand of a wanted criminal, in awesome disguise.

"I'm Hoshi…take Rain," Kisame improvised smiling.

"Well Rain, its wonderful to meet you. When did you take such an interest in canines?"

Itachi stopped listening as Kisame seemed to have this relatively under control. She paid more attention to the dog that was sniffing her foot. The boy was also looking at her in interest, he'd seen him before at some point in an encounter the Kyuubi character.

"You know, most people are afraid of him. But you're not flinching an inch," the boy said watching her. Itachi mentally noted that's probably because most people couldn't kill the beast with one hit, but he couldn't say that.

"Well he seems friendly enough," he said, slowly patting Akamaru on the head. The dog stopped sniffing and licked his hand happily.

"Wow, Akamaru is usually nervous around girls. You must be something special."

Itachi smiled weakly. Oh, he had no idea.

"I'm Kiba," he said reaching out his hand. Itachi shook with his free hand.

"Hoshitake Kaoru." Kiba smiled at this and scratched behind Akamaru's ears.

"Any friend of Akamaru's is a friend of mine!" He nuzzled his nose against his dogs. "You sure picked a pretty one," he said with a smile. Itachi tensed, oh dear lord, not twice in one day. She smiled back weakly; he'd have to bear it, this was probably their ticket out of here.

"Thank you?" That's probably what you should say in this situation right? He noticed a paper oddly sticking out of Kiba's pocket.

"Uh what's that?" he asked curiously pointing. Kiba pulled the paper out of his pocket.

"Oh this, just some bad guys I'm going to have to try and rat out," he said, handing Itachi the tattered sheet. Itachi stared back at well…himself and Kisame. Oh this was really bad. They needed to get out of there now.

"This is quite…frightening. Could you excuse me for a minute?" he said scooting away. Kiba waved goodbye and continued talking to his dog. Kisame was already heading back over to Itachi.

"Good news I nailed us a free trip along with these guys!"

"Kisame, I need to talk to you…"

"And this Shinta guy is really nice, says he'll loan us blankets and everything and-"

"Kisame please listen."

"But there's one catch you see and I figured-"

"Kisame! The boy was carrying this," he handed his partner the tattered sheet and Kisame's eyes widened, "they appear to be everywhere. I think our best course of action would be to find an alternative route."

"Uh, I don't think that's going to be possible."

"Why?"

"Well… you see-" Their planning session was interrupted by the arrival of a jovial Shinta.

"Oh Rain did you tell her the good news?" Kisame remained silent. Itachi glanced to both of the men and raised an eyebrow.

"News?" Itachi glared at Kisame, while Shinta called his son over.

"Kiba, boy, you know how we do not really approve of your mother and sister's tastes and whims." Kiba nodded. Shinta smiled. Itachi jerked as his Akatsuki ring had grown hot in his pocket where he'd decided to hide it. Pein was calling, Kisame must've noticed too. Oh, Pein hated waiting. This seemed important. Pein hated waiting. Itachi tried not to look too uncomfortable. What was the old ninja droning on about, something about clan ties and dogs' senses and the importance of the perfect union… Oh this is not going to end well.

"Which is why Kiba, I would like to introduce you to your brand new fiancée, Hoshitake Kaoru!"

Itachi resisted the sudden urge to throw up. Kisame offered a weak smile.

"Excuse me Mr. Akamaru, but I'd like to have a word with my father, IN PRIVATE," Itachi proceeded to drag Kisame to the nearest alleyway. He was about to die a most painful death.

"Now Itachi, let's be rational about this. You don't have to marry him, we're just going to run once we get over the border and-"

"What drove you to insanity to think this was a good idea?! You can't just barter me off every time we need money!"

"Uh…as your father figure, I actually can,"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Itachi hissed, normal self-control gone out the window as he began to throttle Kisame. Just as Kisame was about to reach into his sack and bash the raging girl over the head with Samehade, Pein's angry voice echoed.

"Itachi, Kisame, why did you not answer when I called your rings?"

Both of them scrambled to sit up and Kisame pulled out his ring where a floating image of Pein appeared looking displeased.

"It was kind of a bad time," Kisame chuckled. Itachi snorted.

"Kisame is trying to sell me off to some low rate ninja family."

"What else am I supposed to do we're nearly out of money!"

Pein stroked his chin. "Well I mean you do what you have to do." Itachi was beginning to see why so many women hated men.

"I see the curse is real Itachi. Zetsu told me, but I did want to see for myself. I feel really strange calling you Itachi this way." Itachi remained silent and wordlessly held his hand out. Kisame produced their thermos and Itachi poured it over his head.

"Better?" asked a much more masculine voice. Pein nodded.

"I feel somewhat indebted to you Itachi. You have served loyally, so I will aid you in your hunt for the cure. I have dispatched a team to further investigate the springs in search of an antidote. As for you, I hear Tsunade's apprentice in Konoha has skills with antidotes may even surpass the Sannin's. Use as much force as necessary to make her comply, but keep a low profile."

Kisame grinned and cracked his knuckles. It was about time they got to be the cause of some serious carnage.

"Pein, who did you send to Jusenkyo?"

"Oh Tobi and Deidara. They are fairly swift. If that is all, I'm leaving. Good luck Itachi."

Great, that means his hopes of getting a cure out of them were pretty much doomed. This was an awful day, and he was in a foul mood. The wheels of the Mangekyo began to spin.

"Now where were we Kisame?"

"Gah, Itachi, no don't!!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Somewhere in a forest, a red head sat patiently searching for chakra. Itachi's chakra that is; it had been disturbingly sporadic lately, appearing and then disappearing without a trace, but this time, she think she finally had him. His chakra had chosen that moment to flare unreasonably high.

"Sasuke, I found your brother's trail again." Karin said as she turned to her beloved Uchiha. Sasuke smirked. This time he would be strong enough to destroy his brother once and for all.

"Let's move out."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Well! Will Kiba ever figure out he's harboring terrorists? Will Akamaru sniff out Kisame? Will Kisame even survive Itachi's Mangekyo? Are Tobi and Deidara competent enough to get anything done? And of course don't forget the impending sibling confrontation! All this and more in the next chapters of Itachi ½!

I hope you enjoyed- As a consolation prize for my lack of updating, this chapter was substantially larger (10 pages, to be precise). Please read and review. Any sort of comments are welcome, I try to respond to everybody. And I of course do this without a beta, if you'd like to volunteer for the job, be my guest. Oh yeah, check out the video for a laugh.

Till next time, peace out.


	4. The Drama!

Ahoy readers

Ahoy readers. Firstly, I would like to thank all my lovely reviewers for doing the right thing and reviewing. I am feeling the love. To all my the people who have put me or the story on alert, I appreciate the attention and drop a line sometime so I can know if you are alerting yourself because another chapter of the plague has been released and not to read it or if you actually enjoy this debauchery. This story is well over 1,000 hits. I feel so popular, so YAY for all the support, hence the rather quick update (by my standards at least). FORWARD, we go.

To avoid gender pronoun confusion. Itachi still thinks of himself as a guy so then its 'he' but any other character sees him as she, with a few exceptions where it makes sense.

Xxxxxxxxxx

He didn't really know how long they'd been walking through the woods. He also was not sure how long Kisame's transformation jutsu would hold up. He hadn't figured out the level of competence of the shinobi leading them and if this was the shortest way to Konoha or the shortest way to some nasty bandits or how annoying the group of tourists they were with could become. What he did know was that his feet really, really hurt, but he willed himself not to complain. Whining was for little girls, oh…wait. Wait. Ok bad analogy. For punks. There we go. But even the consoling correction couldn't wipe the grimace across Itachi's face.

"You know everyone else has taken a break or is on horseback. Are you sure you don't want to take a rest Kaoru?" Kiba asked approaching the female Itachi.

"No." Lie, lie, lie, lie. He tried to ignore the look of concern on Kiba's face. His fiancee's face. When he thought about it that way it made him feel even more sick; he resisted the urge to puke all over the forest floor right then and there and wake up from his awful dream. And gods, was that mangy dog chewing on his cloak?

"I think Akamaru wants you to get on," Kiba hinted. Oh, so it wasn't trying to alert its owner that he was an S-class criminal in distress, having a very bad day that could easily murder them if he could figure out how to do his own jutsus straight. That was comforting. It was looking like Kiba wouldn't take no for an answer.

Kiba helped him up onto Akamaru's back, checked to see if he was comfortable before urging the dog to trot forward. Well, at least his feet were happy. It was then Itachi heard an annoying cat call; he looked over to find none other than that darned grinning sharkman (in disguise, of course.)

"I see someone's riding on the loooove connection!" Kisame wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Shut up ingrate. Its your fault we're in this situation in the first place!" he hissed.

"Hey, I didn't fall into a stupid puddle princess. Just don't fall off the pooch there while you swoon over your darling fiancé-" Kisame couldn't even finish his sentence as Itachi socked him hard enough to send him careening into a nearby tree. Kiba turned around.

"Eh, is somethin' wrong?"

"Oh, no. Everything is just…fine."

It was going to be an awfully long trip.

Xxxxxxxxx

Bad omens exist everywhere. Generally when people see them, they abandon whatever is they are doing and go do something else worthwhile, like feeding pigeons…or something. Too bad Deidara and Tobi weren't normal people but instead social maladjusted hardened criminals. So they didn't notice the seven ladders that they walked under while Tobi was holding an umbrella significant. Or the parade of black cats that stormed in front of them blocking their progress for about ten minutes. But perhaps they should known something when Deidara crashed straight through a mirror or any of the these tell-tale signs that might suggest they needed to turn the hell around or face impending misfortune and horrid plot holes. Too bad they didn't.

"Are we there yet?"

"No Tobi. Stop asking me, yeah." Deidara said consulting a map that Tobi was too polite to point out was upside down.

"Seems like we should be there already. Maybe we need to go more," he squinted at the map. "Northwards, like that way, yeah."

"Tobi thinks that perhaps we should go south," which would of course, you know, be the right way.

"Well Deidara thinks he didn't ask your opinion, yeah." He shoved the map back into his pocket and wished his traveling companion weren't quite such an idiot.

"Perhaps we should ask for directions Deidara-senpai."

"I don't need directions!"

The two glared at each other awkwardly. Well, there's no way to know if Tobi was really glaring with the mask and all, but let's assume. Deidara chose then to storm off angrily in a random direction, which Tobi noticed gratefully happened to be southwards. He followed quietly behind his senpai who was muttering curses under his breath. If Deidara had been paying more attention he would've noticed before he collided with a sign.

"Ow!" he said rubbing his head. Achingly he read: "Beware." This was so stupid; he stormed forward again only to collide with yet another one that read: No seriously, cursed stuff ahead.

Tobi was beginning to get nervous except, Deidara slammed into yet another message.

"What the heck, yeah?! Where is the sign beware of signs?!" he growled angrily pulling out the sign and stomping on it. Tobi stared at him blankly. Why the heck hadn't that idiot run into anything? Deidara was seething.

"What are you looking at?!" Deidara snapped. Tobi twiddled his thumbs.

"Uh, Tobi thinks we are here," he said pointing behind Deidara to a sign a welcome sign written in flowery script. Deidara scoffed.

"Well then hurry up and lets get in and get out. I'm sick of this already anyway yeah," Deidara said trudging forward into the springs. Tobi silently wished he could acquire some of Deidara's fearlessness as he nervously followed behind his teacher.

Xxxxxxxxx

About shortly after midday they reached a small town and everyone was more than willing to make a pit stop to replenish supplies. Itachi and Kisame took that moment to run away from the group and drop their disguises. There was only so much of being a girl and badly camouflaged they could take.

"I never want to have to do this again. I HATE tourists and civilians." Kisame snorted and spat, kicking over a nearby trashcan. No wonder people though they were thugs.

"We shouldn't have to after we receive the antidote in Konoha." Itachi slowly turned on his Sharingan, Kisame visibly tensed.

"You aren't going to use that on me again." Painful memories came back. He hadn't been able to do anything properly for hours, "Earlier, you know, was just in the spirit of fun," Kisame added nervously backing away. Itachi smirked.

"I had somewhat forgotten about that," he turned to face his partner wheels spinning furiously, "But now that you mention it-"

"Gah, Itachi, NO!!"

It was too bad Itachi's chakra chose then to flare up because it was the perfect opportunity for a certain group of misfit toys, I mean shinobi, tracking them. Karin's eyes popped open.

"Sasuke, he's here. In the village!" she exclaimed. His hand immediately shot to his katana. They could finally settle the score. Karin signaled for him to follow and they all charged towards an unknowing Itachi and brutalized Kisame.

Itachi let Kisame off the hook after about a minute, which in Mangekyo time is still pretty miserable. Kisame was still fending off the after-effecta of visions of being caught in a fish net and served for dinner at expensive Japanese restaurants. Sheer terror.

They decided it would probably be a good time to reassume their façade and Itachi dumped more bottled water over his head and Kisame struggled to be competent at transformation jutsu. They began to walk to exit the alleyway only to hear a loud voice female proclaim:

"I just don't understand, the register was right here!"

It didn't really matter what Karin said to defend herself because right then Kisame and Itachi decided to make their grand appearance only to have Itachi collide directly with, his eyes got as big as saucers- Sasuke?!

He fell to the ground with a thud and part of the contents of his pack went rolling out of his reach. Kisame looked appropriately panicked as another toothy individual with a sword eyed his disguise and suspicious looking back protrusion warily.

"I'm sorry miss," his brother said. Itachi thought he saw the redhead girl's eye twitch and was that bulky dude talking to a squirrel? Sasuke knelt down and handed a stunned Itachi his fallen water bottle along with the sheet of paper wrapped around it. "You dropped this."

Oh this was humiliating. Itachi shot Kisame a warning glare who was trying to hide his giggles.

"Uh, thank you." he said. Awkward. Sasuke noticed something odd about the paper currently residing around the water bottle, as the WANTED part was visible.

"May I see that?" he asked pointing to the paper.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, oh no did Sasuke already take it? Kisame now would be a good time to wreck havoc with Samehade. Why wasn't he doing anything? Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Sasuke's eyes grew wide as he stared into the face of a terrible drawing of his brother and that weird shark side-kick thing that was always with him. He held the picture and pointed to his brother.

"Have you seen this man?" he demanded.

"Uh...no?" Damn. That didn't sound convincing. Please don't see through the disguise. What if Sasuke did? How was he going to explain this? His brother didn't listen to reason, he'd probably think he was some sort of closet freak and then that would give him yet another reason to go on a ridiculous emotional rampage.

"I see." Sasuke said getting up. Itachi breathed a sigh of relief. Never mind, thank goodness he was stupid.

"Karin where did you last read Itachi's chakra signature?" Sasuke was looking into the girl's eyes suspiciously.

"I said somewhere around here. It just vanished." Sasuke sighed.

"May I ask where you found this?"

Itachi and Kisame immediately pointed the opposite direction of Konoha. Sasuke nodded to his companions and they immediately ran off.

"Uh wait, can we get that back? Ok never mind. Dammit Itachi, your brother is such a bastard."

Kisame then found yet another welt on his head.

Xxxxx

Back in a certain hidden Akatsuki HQ, Pein was slaving away with Kakazu and Zetsu in the secret underground lab of pure evil, another critical diabolical organization essential.

Kakazu was eyeing the vial curiously.

"Well it certainly doesn't look valuable." He noted giving the vial a poke.

"Gah be careful!" Zetsu panicked shying away. Kakazu picked the vial up annoyed.

"Honestly its just water. What's the big deal?" he said tossing it Zetsu's direction who shrieked and then knocked it Pein's direction. Pein then panicked and deflected it again Kakazu's direction who then thought it was all in good fun and hit it back to Zetsu who then yelled and ducked underneath the table. The vial soared through the air just as the door opened shattering all over the figure standing in the doorway. Zetsu and Pein howled simultaneously:

"NOO!"

Konan blinked back at them stupidly.

"Oh my god Konan. You're alright, you're OK. But how?" Zetsu said fussing over her.

Pein sighed infuriated.

"Zetsu, she's already a girl."

"Oh right. Right. False alarm. False alarm. Everything's under control people go back to your work." Konan shoved the Venus flytrap unceremoniously out of the way and Kakazu shot Pein a glare.

"Just what the heck is going on here?!"

Xxxxxxxxx

It was almost sundown when Deidara and Tobi seemed to find a spring that matched the description that Pein gave them. Tobi kept his distance.

"Did Tobi ever tell Deidara he was afraid of curses?"

"Yes at least 50,000 times, yeah and I still don't care."

"Well Tobi still is afraid." He said biting his gloved hands nervously looking at his surroundings. Deidara snorted unceremoniously behind him as he took notes by a spring.

"That's because you're a wuss, yeah. Grow a spine."

"But, Tobi already has a spine."

"And you wonder why I want to kill you, yeah."

Tobi was used to Deidara's threats by now. He knew he didn't mean them. All the same it did not make him feel any better. Just then a frog decided to give a wondrous croak near Tobi's foot. The masked man screamed and went tumbling back into Deidara who dove face first into the water.

"Eh," Tobi glanced around panicked. "Deidara-senpai?!" He watched a small stream of bubbles in the pond. A nervous sniffle escaped him, as he looked in the spring and nervously called his senpai's name again. He was greeted with more silence. As Tobi was about to remove his mask in mourning (and satisfy a lot of curious persons), a small ripple appeared at the surface followed by…was that squealing?

Tobi opened his eyes to find a small pig had made its way to the shore. It was slightly yellow in color and appeared to be wearing a monocle.

"Aww! What a cute little piggy," Tobi said happily poking it and the critter immediately began angrily gnawing on his finger.

"Have you seen Deidara-senpai?" he asked the creature trying to retrieve his finger. It glared at him angrily and ran frustrated in a circle.

"Um? You wish you were an oval?" The pig stomped up and down angrily shaking his head. And angrily lifted a foot to reveal a tiny slit. Tobi squinted, was that a little mouth? Oh no, then that wasn't a monocle at all. That was a-a-a…!!

Tobi screamed.

"The Horror, the horror!!"

Xxxxx

Because the day couldn't possibly get any worse for anyone, it got slightly better for Itachi and Kisame who managed to reach Konoha in one piece. As soon as they walked through the front gate they tried to go begin their nefarious plans, but it was then Kiba said something terrifying, something awful:

"Kaoru wait. I want you to meet my family."

Ok, so maybe things did get worse.

Xxxxx

Well, **cue music**

Will Sasuke ever figure out he's been had? Will Deidara manage to kill Tobi even though he's in piglet form and adorable? Will Kakazu ever break down and open a pawnshop? Will Itachi and Kisame actually manage to find and antidote in Konoha or even survive the encounter with Kiba's family? All this and more in the next exciting chapter of: Itachi ½.

Oh, and if you like Zetsu/even have a mild interest in him check out my other fiction Crassulean Metabolism- its pretty serious. But, with the wondrous adventures of Itachi and Kisame you'll have comedy to break up the tissues.

I'm only somewhat kidding.

Do R&R, especially if you are actually enjoying this nonsense.


	5. The Chaos!

See it was totally less than a month between updates, by a few measly days

See it was totally less than a month between updates, by a few measly days. First off, much love to people who have alerted, "favorited" and reviewed (there are quite a few of you) eventually I'd love to hear from all of you- I respond to every review I can (anonymous people, I appreciate the words but have no means of telling you except here.) I mean you could totally go read Crassulean Metabolism and learn about Zetsu between updates- or you could just poke me until there's more misadventures of Itachi. I guess both work. Onward!

Xx

Whatever force was out there pushing them towards Kiba's home, must have enjoyed his misery. Itachi had come up with the brilliant excuse that they needed to find some housing, but Kisame had canceled out any hope of escape after he heard there would be free dinner. It was at this point that Itachi had decided the number of reasons to kill Kisame had breached his hopelessly painful and violent bloodshed threshold and took note that the shark's days were numbered. Kiba was blabbering on about proper etiquette in his home, but Itachi was too angry to care. They'd better have some damn good tea at this house or there would soon be tales of an Inuzuka clan massacre.

When they did get to Kiba's family compound they found it full of dogs much to Itachi's dismay all of which had taken a liking to sniffing him in a place where his manly anatomy should have been. Kisame swatted away another dog.

"Don't sniff her there pooches. That's her private square," Kisame chortled and the dogs must've understood something or just been afraid of his overly pointy teeth because they backed off. Itachi glared at his now grinning partner with a venom that clearly said 'I hate you', but Kisame's powers of misinterpretation translated this look as 'Thank you wondrous savior' so he was very puzzled when Itachi angrily knocked away his friendly gesture of offering him his arm. Kiba took this to mean Itachi would rather have his arm instead so Itachi accepted the gesture to spite Kisame, which in turn made Kiba overly happy. Dammit, this was just too complicated.

"Ok so Kaoru, my mother and sister can be a little overbearing. They are really into tradition. So whatever they tell you, just smile and nod OK?" Kiba said doing a last minute inspection of Kaoru before he opened the door to the family dining hall. Itachi shrugged, they couldn't be more overbearing than Konan during that time of month. She'd killed all of their replacement recruits a few months ago when they brought her ill prepared coffee. Yeah, too bad Itachi hopes were about to be dashed to smithereens.

When Kiba opened up the sliding door, Itachi was first angry because there were more dogs seated at the tables with place settings. Second he became angry because the two women at the head of the table seemed to be glaring at him like he was some sort of mutant cockroach and third because this was all definitely not his fault. Well at least his time with the Uchiha's did some good; he vaguely recalled how these formal dinners were supposed to work.

They uncomfortably seated themselves, Kiba to Itachi's right and Kisame to his left. Kiba's father sat next to his wife looking apprehensive.

"So, you must be the girl Kiba sent word of and that his father here arranged an engagement with, without consulting me!" Kiba's mother snapped. Suddenly he really, really didn't want to be there.

"If we said no would you be less angry?" Kisame offered.

"No."

"Oh well then, yes that's her." So much for improving relations, and for bloody sakes where was the food. Were they the only ones that found the giant canines staring at them unnerving?

"Come here child, let me and Hana have a look at you," Tsume said and Itachi slowly made his way towards her. Hana and Tsume began to circle the female Uchiha like vultures.

"Your eyes are red, what are you sick?" Hana spat.

"No. Born that way."

"Where's your mother?" That one came from Tsume.

"She was uh…eaten." He glanced over at Kisame. "By a shark." Kisame began to choke incessantly.

"Goodness Hana, Look at these hips, how is she supposed to bear Kiba children with these?"

"EXCUSE ME?" Itachi said backing away from the two women, suddenly very, very uncomfortable. He glared over at Kisame who was busily eyeing a very interesting looking wall scroll about werewolves.

"Part of the arrangement dear. We expect at least a son. Didn't your father tell you?" Shinta asked politely.

"What." He said glaring at Kiba who twiddled his thumbs.

"WHAT." This time the glare shifted to Shinta who quietly sipped his tea.

"WHAT!" The brunt of the outrage settled upon Kisame, who despite being amused by seeing Itachi more worked up than he'd ever seen him in his entire silent brooding existence, was starting to feel a bit guilty. But not guilty enough to do anything.

And as Itachi looked as though he might hyperventilate, Kiba decided that now would be an appropriate time to call for the food. He clapped his hands twice.

"Dinner!" Servant rolled in with food and the dogs began barking, madly clawing at the trays. Kisame had married him into an insane asylum. Itachi sat down and coughed lightly. This was not the Uchiha way. Damage control, damage control.

"I'm sorry for my outburst. I was just surprised. That's all," Itachi said suddenly much more interested in the bowl of steaming contents that had been placed before him. Tsume nodded seeming to accept this apology.

"Well, its not like you will be Kiba's fiancee' anyway. While they were away we already made arrangements with several other girls. We will just have to host some sort of competition later to see who's the best for our Kiba. Our clans done it for centuries." Tsume said dismissively. Itachi stared at her disbelieving. Could Kisame have picked a worse set of people to do this with?

"Mom! No!" Kiba said growling. "I don't approve of this. All the people you pick are weird. I actually like Kaoru!" Itachi supposed he should take that as a compliment, but in any case he scooted a bit away from Kiba quietly wishing for something to save them from this mess. Tsume motioned for her son to sit down as a bowl of food was placed before her.

'We will discuss this later Kiba, now we eat." Kisame let out a very improper cheer and snatched his chopsticks off the table. Itachi slowly sipped his broth. Well, it wasn't bad.

Kiba elbowed him in the side. He quirked an eyebrow to acknowledge the boy.

"Look Kaoru, I'm really sorry about all this. My mother and sister are kind of crazy." 'Did he just notice', Itachi mused. "I'm totally willing to negotiate the child thing. We could just have one or adopt or something." He placed a consoling hand on her shoulder. "Think on it."

Itachi suddenly wanted to die right there. That was supposed to be comforting! Kisame let out another happy shout.

"This stuff is delicious! What is it?" He asked rubbing his happy tummy.

"Oh that..,it's shark fin soup."

Kisame's scream filled the Inuzuka household. Things could not have possibly gone worse.

Xx

Tobi was not sure how long they had walked, but he did know it was long enough that Deidara had gnawed off almost all of the fingers off his gloves now leaving his skin exposed to pig teeth.

"Can't you just be good, Tobi will fix this. We just need to find someone who lives around here." Deidara took this moment to bite his finger hard enough to draw blood. Tobi shrieked slinging Deidara out of his arms and into a tree. It was enough to knock the raging animal out. At least he'd be more cooperative this way. Tobi journeyed with Deidara until they reached a very familiar touristy town and in that touristy town they saw a very familiar tour guide in a very familiar canvas colored outfit. Our lovely tour guide, seeing the lost looking outsiders joyously waved them to him.

"Please help Tobi!" the masked man wailed. "Tobi has transformed his sensei into a pig and is very sorry!"

"Ah, but he has just fallen into the Cursed Spring of Drowned Pig; you can change him back with hot water. But if you-" Tobi had already dashed off to find a tea kettle as Deidara was slowly stirring awake in his arms. He managed to snatch one away from a couple before they could notice. He'd give it back. He was a good boy after all.

He situated himself on a park bench and placed the teakettle beside him. He just hoped Deidara wouldn't wake up in such a fit of rage that he wouldn't listen to him.

Speaking of people in a fit of rage, Sasuke was storming through the same town outraged at the elusiveness of his brother. Just as he was about to throttle Karin, as her usefulness was proving to be far less than desired, Suigetsu pointed out that there was an extremely deficient Akatsuki member sitting on a park bench in broad daylight in the uniform. Oh how very lucky for them and very tragic for Tobi.

Tobi was so busy mourning his state of affairs that he didn't notice Deidara waking up or Sasuke storming towards him. When Deidara fully regained consciousness he realized he was really thirsty and was staring directly at a teakettle. The second thing he noticed was Itachi's brother swiftly approaching. Maybe somehow Deidara knew that he and Sasuke were someday going to have plot-hole and main-character no jutsu filled fight someday or maybe he just knew Sasuke was kind of a bastard, in any case he began squealing madly trying to get Tobi's attention,

"You there." Tobi looked up at the voice to see an oddly dressed boy with three more bizarre looking people gathered behind him. Tobi smiled politely though you wouldn't know with the mask, so it's irrelevant.

"I don't wish to fight you. But I have business with Uchiha Itachi, he is in your organization." Sasuke said fingering his katana.

"Oh Tobi is a good boy. He doesn't like unnecessary fighting!" Tobi watched Sasuke's face grow confused. "What business do you have with Itachi-senpai. Oh no, you wouldn't hurt him would you?" Deidara scratched furiously at Tobi's cloak. Warning, warning psychotic brother on the loose! Psychotic brother on the loose! Oh this was not working. He'd settle for trying to reach the teakettle.

"Uh no. I just need to give him a message," Sasuke lied. Just where do they get their people from, this guy was even worse than the clowns that he found. And…was that a pig?

"Oh, well then. Hang on. Tobi can find out!" Tobi closed his eyes and did cool focusing things to find Itachi despite Deidara's loud protests. Deidara on the other hand didn't really have time to focus on that because Juugo was now directly in front of him.

"Squee." Translation: Oh shit.

Juugo reached out to pet his head. Oh, he was no docile piglet. Deidara began frantically trying to gnaw his fingers.

"I'm not trying to hurt you little pig." Juugo began trying to retrieve his finger.

"Squee!" Translation: Like hell you aren't. Juugo shook his head. Wait could he understand him? It was worth a try.

"Squee. Oink. Squee squee squee!" Translation: Help. I'm trapped with an idiotic, maniacal, masked freak. Juugo raised an eyebrow and pointed curiously at Tobi. Deidara nodded. Oh, how perfect.

"Sasuke can we take the pig?" Sasuke sighed and shook his head. They already had a barrage of animals waiting on them in the woods. Soon they'd be running a zoo.

"But he needs our help." He said slight anger creeping into this voice.

"Itachi first, pig later." Deidara resisted the urge to go pee on the redhead's foot. He was so much more important than man-girl. Tobi took then to wake up.

"Itachi is to the east!" He said happily. Deidara went back to furiously screeching at Tobi to stop being so stupidly helpful. Sasuke frowned.

"But we just came from there." This was the last time he was asking random people for directions. If he ran into those two again, he was going to give them a piece of his mind.

"Tobi is sure. Go to the far east. He's somewhere in Fire Country Tobi thinks." Deidara bit down on Tobi's pinky very hard causing him to screech. Sasuke eyed the exchange wearily, if Akatsuki was allowed to keep pets it would explain why his brother always had that shark following him around. What a bizarre group.

"Thank you Tobi. We'll be off now." Sasuke dashed off in the direction of Konoha followed by his band of henchman. But little, did Sasuke or Deidara know that Juugo made a promise to himself to rescue that poor helpless animal from the clutches of evil.

Meanwhile the "clutch of evil", was pouring the contents of a teakettle over a certain angry piglet whom was then turned into a certain angry blonde man.

"TOBI! That was Itachi's brother. Do you have any idea what you've done?!"

Tobi hid his face in his hands.

"Tobi's sorry. Tobi's sorry. We will have to warn Itachi!"

Deidara hit him over the head with the kettle.

"Look at me you idiot! Just what did you DO to me?"

Tobi whimpered.

"Tobi will explain. But could Deidara put some clothes on?"

Being a pig had its disadvantages. Including the people staring at Deidara in the street threatening to arrest him for public indecency. However, somewhere some fangirls are very, very happy.

Xx

As Itachi and Kisame were near broke the only housing they could afford was in a section of town where the members of an angry massacred clan are said to lurk waiting to take vengeance on the man who murdered them. If Itachi believed in ghost stories or cared, he probably wouldn't moved into his old house, but he did as morbid as that might sound.

After Kisame had purged that contents of his stomach, they'd set immediately set about procuring ownership of Itachi's abode. Kisame was confused when an older jovial man who'd introduced himself as Jiraiya offered Itachi his services in helping them move in. Itachi had adamantly refused and run off assuring Kisame Jiraiya would figure out where they lived soon enough. What did that mean?

In any case after they'd finished cleaning the dojo so they could have some place to train, Itachi sent Kisame off to figure out the whereabouts of Tsunade's famous apprentice while tried to fix his and Sasuke's old room. Kisame came back just as he finished beating out some old rugs.

"Well don't you look domestic?"

"Quiet fool. Did you find her?"

"Yes. You remember that pink haired chick who hung around the Kyuubi container and Kakashi?" Kisame asked.

"Yes."

"Well its her."

"…"

"…"

"Let's just get this over with."

"Right, right."

Xx

Sakura said goodbye to Naruto as she entered into her house. She'd almost thought to invite him in for dinner before her brain reminded her of the barren state of her pantry. She strolled down to her basement where she kept her research only to see an eerie red glow pierce the dark. Funny, she didn't remember leaving the incubator on. Suddenly she felt something move behind her. Uh oh.

Sakura scream was muffled as Kisame gagged her with a piece of fabric. Sakura's furious kicks and screams eventually flicked on the lightswitch which illuminated the figure of her worst nightmare- Uchiha Itachi. Oh now was definitely not the time to be helpless. She used her thrashing to help land an uppercut on Kisame, which was enough for him to let go of the gag. She so should've invited Naruto in.

"So let me guess you're here to kidnap me as bait for Naruto."

Kisame shook his head.

"You need me to fix his eyes?" Another no.

"Uh, Akatsuki needs a medic." This was getting difficult.

"You're using me to find Sasuke?" Hmm.

"I got it. You're both madly in love with me!" Kisame gave her a dumb stare.

Ok, now she had seriously exhausted the realm of imagination.

"So what do you want?" She said sitting down exasperated.

Itachi smirked.

"I have a bit of a problem Sakura and you are going to fix it."

"And if I don't?"

"I assure you, you don't even want to think about it."

She gulped uncomfortably. Naruto, Lee, anybody help? Some friends she had.

"So what can I do for you?"

Xx

Well! Will Naruto come save Sakura? Will Juugo ever rescue Deidara from Tobi's watchful eye? Will Tobi and Deidara reach Itachi in time to warn them of Sasuke's swift approach? And what of Jiraiya's interest in Itachi not to mention the zaniness of the Inuzuka family? Most importantly, where were Pein and the gang this chapter?

All the and more terrifying complications in the next chapter of Itachi ½.

Do R&R and read about Zetsu if you have time.

See you next time.


	6. The Author's Note and Omake!

Hello loyal readers, reviewers and alertees

Hello loyal readers, reviewers and alertees. I have been seriously ill pretty much ever since I last updated. I am feeling better, but not enough to give you a whole chapter of light-hearted fun without getting delirious (or cynical). I feel bad though- because I said this would be quick- but you know life happens. So it's a compromise- I give you the first Itachi ½ omake. Cue Looney tunes music!

Xx

The Misadventures of Tobi and Deidara : Little Lost Piggy

There just comes a point when every good individual is pushed to their limits. For Tobi, this came at Deidara's 8,437th insult hurled his direction. OK, so maybe he accidentally knocked him into a cursed spring and now his senpai was easily the subject of a state fair freak show- but Tobi had apologized! Then again, Deidara was the king of holding grudges.

So that night as the duo peacefully camped in the wilderness, Tobi decided to expedite their traveling and lessen his growing headache as he would sprinkle just a dab of the stream water onto the sleeping blonde to transform him into his much less loquacious piglet state. Now, Tobi was a good boy, but this certainly didn't make him bad. He was just trying to get them to Konoha faster- at worst this just made him a morally ambiguous boy!

However, when Deidara woke up to find himself inside of Tobi's traveling pack, he was pretty sure the masked man could shove his morally ambiguous bullshit up his mask and let him free. Tobi's ears were greeted with loud piggy shrieks and kicks.

"Deidara senpai, please stop squirmng! Tobi will let you out if you promise to be good!" His knapsack suddenly became very still. Maybe there was hope after all. He warily opened the bag taking in the pig in with his good eye. It was too bad only using one eye really screws up depth perception because Tobi would've noticed how close Deidara's hooves were to his face. Big mistake.

"AH!" Suddenly Tobi regretted opening the bag at all as Deidara made a good point to piggy-chop Tobi's exposed eye. Through the howls and shrieks Deidara squirmed his way out of the bag.

"Gah, senpai, wait no!" But Tobi's cries were met by Deidara's retreating backside as he dashed away from Tobi towards the nearest signs of civilization and most of all help.

"No! Now Tobi will never make it to Konoha on time! Come back here!"

Deidara could care less about Tobi's plight, he was to busy scurrying into town. Little did he know, this was yet another large mistake as people generally don't react well to pigs wandering their streets. So Deidara really should've noticed the sirens instead of just hunting for food.

"ANIMAL CONTROL! FREEZE." Well, that got his attention along with the net the suited man was brandishing in his direction.

Squee. Translation: I will after I eat.

"The pig is resisting arrest," his antagonist said into a handheld device, "I will proceed with caution."

Squee squeakim squee. Translation: Suit yourself.

The man proceeded to swipe at Deidara with a net and was shocked at the pig's stunning ability to do series of back flips in order to dodge.

"Control center modify the report- a ninja pig is on the loose. All units proceed to quadrant four."

Squee! Translation: Oh shit.

Tobi, however, found himself on a different side of town wondering what kind of awful, horrid things could've happened to Deidara. Leader would kill him for this- and he had only just joined! His illustrious, villainous career cut short and he'd only just entered the mailroom of evil. How cruel life is, how…is that…bacon?

Tobi meandered towards the ever potent smell of bacon grease to find himself standing in front of a rather large BBQ establishment. Wasn't it…a bit late in the day for bacon? He had a bad feeling about this.

"Uh excuse me, sir? Tobi is wondering why there is bacon being cooked at 1 in the afternoon?" He was greeted with a curious stare by the cook.

"What's it to you?"

"Tobi is curious. Tobi wonders why you aren't barbequing."

"Well, we got a runt of a pig late this morning- wasn't good for much besides bacon."

A lurch went through Tobi's stomach.

"A-a runt?"

"Yeah, tiny little thing ran through the edge of the forest."

No, no, no, no! Deidara couldn't die like this. This wasn't even an inferno of explosive glory! Actually…well if you thought about it. You know what, never mind.

"I'll take all of your bacon!" Tobi didn't leave time for questions and just snatched everything off the tray and proceeded to as empty a section of town he could find. He placed the strips of bacon as reverently as he could muster on the pavement.

"Dearest senpai," he wiped a tear from his eye, "Tobi is gathered here today to mourn the loss of you. Sometimes…you hated Tobi, and the other half of the time you still hated Tobi. But Tobi never hated you!" The masked man then began to sob incoherently, which seriously was worrying the innocent people passing him by.

Sqeeeee!!

Oh, he was even hallucinating Deidara's piggy squeals now…

"STOP THAT PIG! AND I WANT THAT MONOCLE!"

and the angry mob chasing the aforementioned squealer. Wait a second…what?

Deidara meanwhile had successfully managed to get almost all the animal control officers on his tail. Screeching to a halt in his hooved tracks, he decided to deal with these guys the old fashion way. The tiny mouths on his feet set to work making lovely little explosives. It was too bad Deidara couldn't quite figure out how to throw them. He settled for leaving one in the middle of the street and going to hide behind something large black and orange.

Kai! Translation: Oh come on, somethings are the same in pig!

The animal control officers suddenly found themselves greeted to a firecracker display.

"Ooooh, aaaaah!" A small wave of applause went through the crowd of pursuers.

Squeekim! Translation: What the heck happened to my C4!

And hey, was the thing he was hiding behind moving.

"S-senpai?"

Oh, hell.

"I found you!!" Tobi said clutching Deidara to his chest happily. "I thought you were bacon!"

Squee! Translation: Unhand me you foul demon!

The chief animal control officer approached the joyous Tobi while glaring at his small charge.

"Sir, is that your pig."

"Yes- this is Tobi's friend!"

"There are laws. You keep your pets on a leash, you hear? Big careful, that thing is very dangerous."

"Oh Tobi knows. But, Tobi lost him, it will never happen again!"

Deidara felt himself die a little inside.

"Oh and," the officer produced a slip of paper from his pocket, "this is the approximate bill for our labor."

Tobi gladly excepted the receipt and…20,000 yen?!

Now would be a good time to ask if the Akatsuki benefits covered tabs or maybe they really could consider just getting Deidara a leash.

End

Squee squee squee: No animals were harmed in the making of this film.

Squeakim: Except maybe Deidara's dignity.

Hope you enjoyed. I'll get the real chapter out when everything is more back to normal on my end. Sorry about the delay. Do R&R.


	7. The Madness!

RAHR! You lied about updating: insert angry mob noises here. I'm very sorry. My life has been nothing sort of horrid the past few months. I'm finally getting back on my feet- my hard drive was destroyed in the carnage- I lost all my data and all my backup data including outlines and two chapters of Itachi 1/2. Nevertheless I've recovered. Thanks for the reviews, alerts and the love. It really keeps me going. So keep R&Ring please! The Ranma 1/2 elements are going to gradually increase- the zany martial arts tournaments, the drastic switches from serious to comedic: you know all that excellent fun stuff- with Naruto flare. Just what the doctor ordered.

OK onward. *Cue recap music*

Xx

On the last thrilling episode of Itachi 1/2: Itachi woke up one morning with the sudden realization he never really knew his father! After some serious soul searching he realized his father was actually a robot.

Meanwhile, Itachi and Kisame's animal cronies found love, but complications were afoot:

"But I can't love you, I'm a crow and you're a shark!"

"Nonsense, baby. Just come down into the water and let's play a nice little game."

"Don't you play your love games with me! You come up here!"

"Nonsense, the waters nice and-"

"Was that just your stomach rumbling?"

"That's the rumble of love baby!"

"You're lying and I know it. You sick,gluttonous _freak!_"

Also dont forget Kiba suddenly realized Akamaru had gained the ability of speech...in Spanish! And, wait: A vile villain is also plunging the announcer into peril!

"I am the title character and you have been spewing complete idiocy since this started. I must put you in your place."

"No, please don't get so close to me! Eeek!!"

"Now, just to adjust the point of view on this thing."

........!

Itachi stared down blankly at the limp figure of the hired help for the recap. He nudged the body with his foot and when there were no protests, he assumed he'd done a good job.

"OK," he glanced from left to right. "Let's do this right this time." He heard a whine from his partner.

"Aww, but Itachi, that animal subplot was going places!"

"Go to hell Kisame."

"...Jerk."

Xx

The true tragedy of the situation was despite all of Sakura's years of criminal training, there was definitely nothing in the handbooks about what to do if two S class criminals decided to show up in your damned basement. So she'd just have to improvise. Eyeing the window she could try and make a run shrieking for help, but risked being seen as crazy and would probably end up suffering under the Mangekyo. If she got enough leverage she could kick over her lab table and get some nasty poisons, but would probably end up suffering under the Mangekyo. Or she could go just surprise them by inflicting massive damage on her floor and plunging them into a crater the size of nearing the circumference of her house, but would probably end up suffering under the Mangekyo. These scenarios somehow shard the same eerily similar end...So she settled for just asking them how she could help them so she could end up in a state of not deadness. Itachi just stared at her with those terrifying crimson orbs of his. Well if she was going to die, might as well entertain their whims for a while.

"I have a problem as I said. And it is non of those ridiculous things you enumerated before."

"It's probably more ridiculous actually." Kisame added with Itachi's silence neither confirming or denying this assertion. Sakura raised a curious eyebrow. Kisame scratched his head nervously. "You can't exactly explain this Itachi, why don't you just show the chick?"

"Chick?! Look I have name-" A glare from both of them silenced her. Man, she really was going to have to figure out someway to stand up to these clowns, the word clowns here meaning some of the most notorious missing nins on the planet. A little known definition. Why was Kisame passing Itachi water out of her fish tank? Was Itachi about to dump that on himself? Were they going to clean up her floor? Somehow she knew the answer to the latter was a resounding no.

Splash! Oh great. They were going to need a mop and...a bra?

"That is some twisted jutsu you came up with their mister." Sakura said shrugging out of Kisame's grip to circle a displeased looking Itachi. What a strange henge. His chakra pathway was totally different, it was almost as if it wasn't Itachi at all except for the fact that she was still being watched with that dreadful Sharingan. Not too mention his breasts appeared to be about a cup size bigger than hers. Now that's some serious bullshit. "This is awfully complex. I mean, I expect nothing less from you. Congratulations, now no one will be able to track you making the job of the ANBU up to 80 times harder. Is that all?" She was met with icy silence.

"No seriously, do your hand seals. Change back." She turned to Kisame. "Can you do this too? Because part of me is curious what the hell you'll turn out like?" Kisame backed away.

"Oh hell no."

Sakura pouted disappointed. "Too bad seems useful. So what's the release? Is this a genjutsu?"

"It's not a technique," Itachi said speaking from the first time. His voice still retaining that same cool even in this new form. "It's a curse." Sakura's face contorted in confusion as he produced a thermos and dumped yet another load of water on her poor floor.

"As you can see," the deep tenor had returned as he stared back at her looking a wee bit like a drowned rat. A sexy one though and yes that is possible while you're pondering that.

"Oh that's a little fucked up." The pink-haired ninja said examining him again. Yeah, it was definitely Itachi again. This was certainly unlike anything she'd ever seen, but what did she have to do with this? She suddenly found herself revisiting her escape plans in her head.

"Kisame, brief her. I'm checking this room for bugs of any sort." Great there goes impending calvary rescue.

After 10 minutes of Sakura trying not to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and Itachi overturning everything in the room attempting to find anything that might tip them off to the rest of Konoha, Sakura actually felt rather sorry of the gender-bending tragicomedy that had become Itachi's existence, but that didn't really check back the whole S-class criminal thing. Not at all, he was just slightly less menacing while female.

"So you want me to cure you. Yeah, OK that should be easy."

"Really?" Kisame said joy creeping into his voice.

"No. No not really. Its only the hardest thing anyone has ever asked me to do...ever."

"Well, I'm afraid you don't have much of a choice, either you help us or I will be forced to alter your mental state," the Sharingan wheels began to rotate furiously, "permanently." Sakura gulped uncomfortably.

"Great. When do we start?" Itachi making himself comfortable on her examination table made it rather clear. She sighed audibly. "Oh great, now is good."

"Hey, can you help him be less bitchy? When he's a girl, he's a raving emotional lunatic. Total whacko," Kisame was greeted with a glares from the other two inhabitants of the room, "Well, compared to normal anyway. I ain't being sexist." Sakura could've sworn she heard Itachi snort at this.

"I imagine your body is having trouble with the hormonal switches from going from male to female. That probably has something to do with your emotional displays, though Kisame is probably just being an ass." Sakura said shoving the shark man out of the way so she could get to a stethoscope.

"I feel I'm in control enough of my emotions as a female. It is my chakra control that concerns me. My techniques leave much to be desired." Sakura eyed the man. Calculating as always, and having him running around wrecking havoc in both genders just seemed like a terrible, terrible idea, but for Pete's sake he might be forced to marry Kiba. How was he going to defend himself against the Inuzuka army of canines?

"I channel my chakra from my center, around my abdomen and then channel it to wherever it is needed for a technique. You probably need to adjust because your center of gravity is different. Things are probably off because you are overcompensating. Just be more aware of yourself I guess?"

Itachi sighed. "I hadn't thought of that. I will try to-" He was interrupted by tumultuous banging on Sakura's front door.

"Sakura, my precious, flower, blossom, angel, buttercup, princess, Amazoness, pink-haired goddess! Your youthful filled friend has come to pay you a most energetic visit on this fine day!"

Dear Lord. Could there be a worse time?

"Sakura angel! I'm coming in!"

Shit! "Hide!" she hissed as she ran up the stairs, turned off the lights and slammed the door behind her.

The room was pitch black save for the eerie glow from Itachi's eyes.

"Dude could you turn those off. I'm trying to hide properly here."

"I'm a lamp, Kisame. A lamp."

"That's some serious bullshit and you know it."

Meanwhile, upstairs, Sakura was trying to entertain the bundle of energy that was Rock Lee. The boy's persistence was admirable and at least he was nice and didn't join criminal organizations for fun, which was more than she could say for anyone else in her house right now.

"I just brought some lovely medium for your lovely bacteria to live in!" he said brandishing a package of medium and that ridiculous nice guy pose.

"Why thank you Lee. How...thoughtful." She said, taking it from him.

"Gai-sensei says its fortified with special nutrients so they will go faster so your experiments can be extra wonderful," Lee opened the door to her basement. "Come see."

Double shit! Damage control. Should she stop him, well not when he was already halfway down the stairs. Too bad, she hoped those two hid otherwise, now would be a great time to cause enough ruckus to alert every ninja within a two mile radius. She flicked on the light and descended behind Lee where she was not greeted by Itachi or Kisame, but by a bizarre floor lamp with two very distinct crimson spots that appeared to be watching her (hello Itachi) and a large shark that suddenly appeared in her aquarium (oh how subtle...)

Lee had already headed over to the incubator trying to figure out how it worked. She put him out of his misery by turning the lock on the door.

"Ah, they are a lot less hearty than I imagined." He said disappointed.

"Lee, what kind of ridiculous misconceptions about C. differens did you have? Are you sure that's even bacterial medium?"

Lee chuckled nervously. It was going to be a long day.

Xx

Meanwhile at the headquarters of the ministry of Pein, experimentation was in full swing. So far everything touched seemed to take on a distinctly feminine flare when even brushed by the cursed water. Zetsu's vicious venus flytrap summons magically sprouted flowers, which by evolutionary standards, shouldn't really be possible.

"Well I suppose this would be useful if we decided we wanted to take on the Hidden Village of Chauvinists," Kakazu snorted watching another experiment go afire.

"I believe that's all of them actually," Konan sighed gazing bored at Zetsu desperately trying to return his summon to its former menacing state to no avail. How tragic. Pein looked visibly upset when he found out that Deidara had an unfortunate accident and apparently turned into a piglet these days. So now they had two people with ridiculous ailments on their hands. Great.

"You know, if we all just bloody prayed to Jashin three times daily, this never would have happened," Hidan spat. Konan chucked a test tube at him.

"Get real zealot. I'm sure Jashin would find their suffering amusing. He'd probably just curse us all- look at you."

...Point taken. Hidan shifted back into awkward antsy silence.

"Why don't Kakazu and I go? Tobi and Deidara aren't exactly the f'in competence brigade." Pein merely laughed at this.

"I hear there's a Cursed Spring of Drowned Duck, perhaps you'll fall into that one. Squawking does suit you."

"HEY!" Hidan said grabbing his scythe, "Fuck off heathen." Pein looked too amused to even respond to the man's rantings. They'd figure out something soon and if they didn't he did have somewhat of a backup plan.

Xx

"Sasuke can we take a break? We've been running nonstop for three days!" Ignoring Karin's complaints had become so commonplace its like she wasn't even talking in the first place. If she'd realized this maybe she would realized the futility of her vocal chords and just picked up sign language. This was, of course, too much for anyone to hope.

"Sasuke, aren't we near Konoha? Wouldn't it be possible that he's there?" Suigetsu asked gesturing over his shoulder towards that path leading to the hidden village.

"They are prepared for him. He caused a stir there a few years ago. It would be unwise for him to return. We will check there last."

Suigetsu shrugged. "OK. Just got a feeling that's all."

While Sasuke's logic under normal standards would've probably been brilliant, it was of course in this case horridly wrong. In fact if he weren't so wrapped up in looking for Itachi in all the wrong places, he might have noticed the third member of his goon squad and all of his lovely animal friends had gone missing and had been missing shortly since Sasuke refused to let him rescue that piglet.

"Oh Chist. Sasuke. Sasuke. Stop," Suigetsu said. Karin rammed into him knocking off her glasses, she said something, but as mentioned earlier, probably irrelevant.

Sasuke turned to face his two friends, if you can call them that, looking outraged.

"Juugo's missing. I think, I think he might have gone after that pig."

"Oh for the love of Kami. Karin-" but Karin was already working on it.

"You know we could just follow the annoying animal calls."

"Good point." And with that the two darted off only to leave an angry Karin when she snapped out of her trance. That was one bad thing about her ability- there was no way for Sasuke and Suigetsu to actually lose her. Poor planning Uchiha, poor planning.

Xx

One credit to Tobi's competence was that he noticed the entire cast of Bambi had been tailing him shortly after they left the town and he made a point to make sure Deidara avoided anything that would turn him into his bovine form to prevent him from getting swiped. If he didn't believe in his senpai, he would've thought he was trying to get away from him. Poor deluded soul...

Through some careful maneuvering and clever genjutsu, they'd put enough space between them and Juugo to start making a beeline for Konoha and hopefully one step closer to a cure.

"Tobi doesn't understand why Deidara would walk into a stream when he knows a crazy PETA member is after him."

"Deidara just had to take a bath...yeah."

"Tobi just wishes Deidara-senpai would be more careful! Tobi worries!"

"Oh I was being careful, yeah."

To their credit they were nearing Konoha in record time; they could only hope good news would await them there, but considering how this story has been going, how likely is that really?

No one answer that.

Xx

When Sakura returned to the basement after saying goodbye to Lee, she found a female Itachi and a grinning Kisame waiting for her and about 1/2 of the fish in her aquarium missing.

"I must say Sakura. He is a much more stable individual than my younger brother. I completely understand your decision in moving on."

Sakura choked. "Excuse me?"

"I said Sasuke is often unstable and I am glad to see you have someone like that fellow in your life."

"Are you trying to give me love advice?"

"..."

"Kisame's right. You've gone insane."

"Actually Sakura, he was probably being serious. His brother is kind of a bastard." Kisame was greeted with two test tubes colliding towards his head.

"Geez, why is there such a double standard with you guys for insulting that creep?" And two more objects. Kisame gave up and sat in silence.

Sakura ignored the brooding shark and tried to cover up Itachi's chest in a more decent manner.

"Do you even have bras, proper clothes, anything?" She was with greeted silence.

"He's been binding his chest with bandages and stuff." Kisame muttered. Sakura sighed.

"You know your boy Kiba is going to start getting suspicious if you just keep flaunting around like this. Heck anyone will. And you might want to get your act together soon: Lee handed me this from Kiba's folks," Sakura said handing him a fanciful invitation.

Itachi read:

Dear esteemed Konoichi/Women of Konoha,

The Inuzuka clan is seeking entrants in its Anything Goes Marital Martial Arts Tournament. The winner of which will receive the esteemed Inuzuka cup, a cash prize and an esteemed respect in the hearts of our family. This will naturally aid in securing a bid for our near legendary son's hand, the Jounin Kiba Inuzuka who's accolades are well known (Sakura giggled at this.) Please train hard. The tournament will take place in two weeks time. It is always well attended and only happens once in a few decades. Do attend. We look forward to seeing you. Entrants should make themselves known at the Inuzuka compound on this upcoming Friday.

Regards,

Tsume and Hana Inuzuka

"Damn Itachi. She got this out fast. You must've pissed her off real good at dinner." Itachi snorted.

"It was probably the flaunting thing I mentioned earlier. This is why we have to work on it."

"I would love to reverse the smugness in that family. Their techniques are nothing sort of ridiculous."

"That's the Itachi I know! Now I can get more free food!"

"And its not like I'm entering. But I don't really have time to spar. Maybe Ino-pig will help you."

"I don't want you to spar. I want a cure."

"And we could use the money!"

"..."

"What."

"Need I remind you why we're in this mess?"

Sakura was at least glad there was something to keep Itachi busy. As long as he wasn't idle, maybe he wouldn't resort to hopeless acts of violence none of which would have to be directed at her.

"But I would rather not encourage this engagement." Itachi said as he paced around the room. She noticed in his female form the grace with which he normally moved was exaggerated in this form. He actually was rather pretty, but the fact that he was braless and wasn't sure how to dress himself made him come off sultry instead of poised as he should be perceived. No wonder he was having boy problems.

"Well regardless, you need to get better clothes to get this whole disguise thing together and I need to get to the hospital otherwise people will be suspicious." Itachi stared at her coldly. "I won't tell anyone! I would rather not die, thanks." Sakura said while she headed up the stairs the duo close behind her.

Kisame set up his disguise before they exited Sakura's place. To Itachi's horror Kiba, was passing by.

"Kaoru! I was looking for you! I wasn't sure where you lived." Itachi winced visibly and tried to hide his invitation. Didn't want to encourage anything... Too bad Kiba's eyes were pretty sharp.

"Oh! So you did get an invitation. I thought maybe mom would make sure you didn't get one." He seemed genuinely happy at the prospect his family was giving the criminal a fair shake.

"Well, it was mine. So I guess she really didn't." Sakura said, shrugging.

"You know Kaoru?"

"She's a...uh...cousin."

"I see. Listen Kaoru. Please. You have to enter! My mom will make all these totally weird girls enter and people like Sakura will just be in it for the money. You're the only one I actually like. You don't even have to win or anything just try and-" Kiba's pleading only grew worse and Itachi kind of sympathized with him. He did recall what it was like to have a clan pressure one into things. It was one of the most unpleasant experiences there is, besides he really didn't like that woman and would love to rub his success in her face.

"Relax. I will enter as you ask," he said offering him a weak smile. Kiba did a little victory dance.

"Well I'm glad. Listen, if you need any help- let me know. The tournaments a bit tricky. So if you need inside information- I got you!" Itachi nodded simply as Kiba excused himself to go distribute more of those dreadful little invitations.

"Oh! Inside information~!" Kisame howled, with a pelvic thrust for emphasis. "I see how it is Itachi, little curious how it is to be on the other side of-"

Kisame suddenly found himself face down in the payment with a large welt forming on the back of his skull.

"Your partner is a sick bastard."

"Glad you noticed."

Sakura took her leave agreeing to meet Itachi tomorrow morning to run some tests and more importantly get some decency.

It wasn't long before Kisame's stomach started rumbling on their way back home.

"You ate four of that girl's fish. How can you still be hungry?"

Kisame smiled sheepishly. He was a big guy, he couldn't help it. It was then something very unexpected happened: someone in front of them just started screaming:

"MY CHILD!"

They chose to ignore this until the shouting just got louder the more they seemed to ignore it.

"MY CHILD! After all these years, how is this possible?"

Just keep walking, crazy people these days are everywhere. It was then someone grabbed Itachi's sleeve and looked up at him with the look of the most unadulterated joy he'd ever seen.

"Misa, after all these years, you return alive! I can't believe it! Oh come hug your mother!"

Great. It was going to be a thrilling stay in Konoha.

Xx

Well! What will Deidara and Tobi miraculously screw up when they get to Konoha? Will Juugo reach his piglet friend in time or will Sasuke halt the animal lover's plans in his tracks? And what of Pein's backup plan? Will something good ever happen to Itachi?

All this and more in the next Itachi 1/2? Do R&R. Knowing people find this enjoyable is nice, or are critical of it is great too.

It's a comedy so I can take some characterization liberties because Itachi is too much of a badass to fall into a spring in the first place.

:D

See you next time.


	8. The Melodrama!

Egads, I have no excuse for not updating. Just know I was very busy and felt very bad as I will be gone to Costa Rica for a month on Tuesday and couldn't let that long go by without releasing another chapter. Sorry again. But, the plot comes a KNOCKING (yes...there is a plot, though about as much as Ranma, so that means not much of one, but lots of ridiculous chase scenes).

XxxxxXxxxx

Sometimes he wanted to curse his Uchiha upbringing. Those Uchihas with all their manners,rules, nobility and bloodlines: right now all of that was causing them a lot of trouble. You see, when you are an Uchiha, if a strange old woman approaches you in the street claiming you are their daughter, then imprinting would have you nod politely and go along with it. As such, to Itachi's muted horror, he was being unceremoniously dragged by the aforementioned, no longer hypothetical, sobbing woman to her home with his sharky buddy scratching his head behind them.

The old woman who seemed to possess the ability to magically produce tissues from thin air blew her nose for the umpteenth time before shoving open the door to her humble house, if you could call it that.

"Oh please sit there! Honestly Misa, can't you act more happy to see you dear mother! I'm sure things aren't as you remember them..." the woman said babbling on while she shuffled around turning on lights in the meager apartment.

"Actually, miss I don't-" Itachi said, attempting to explain himself. Kisame hovered awkwardly by the door wondering if he should come in.

"And why is that strange fellow with you?" she noted seemingly picking up on Kisame's distress, "don't just stand there taking up room, get inside."

Kisame stepped through the threshold removing his shoes.

"Actually, I'm her-uh...father." Somehow this fact still caused Itachi's gag reflux to react violently.

"Eh! No way, Misa's father died years ago. Why right before she went on the trip to Jusenkyo when she went missing! Right Misa...Misa!"

But there was no use getting a response out of Itachi, for he had promptly fainted.

XxxxxxXxxxxx

While Sakura mindlessly filed paperwork at the hospital, she began to wonder what on Earth she had actually agreed to. Why was she helping them? Could it be the imminent threat on her life if she did not comply or was it because she actually felt sorry for Itachi? His current situation was...well rather pathetic. Traffic was rather slow in the hospital today. Perhaps if she devoted her energies to getting them out of her hair, they would leave much, much sooner, and that could only be a good thing!

With that she nearly ran into the medical library and began researching with such fervor that Shizune began to get a little concerned.

"Are you alright Sakura?" the older woman asked while Sakura flipped through a book about as wide as she was.

"Just fine! What do you know about gender-bending curses of or relating to falling into springs, but not limited to such a form of H20?"

Shizune raised an eyebrow. "Uh, is this for a friend...or yourself?"

"Just curious."

"Oh well, then there's a book on the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo back there, but Sakura!"

But, the pink haired ninja was so eager, she'd already darted off into the archives.

XxxxxxXxxxxxx

Tobi should have known there had been a major wrench in their plan when the bunnies started appearing around their clearing (particularly since he was pretty sure they were of the "plot" variety). He also probably should've been concerned by the friendly deer that pranced in their path and the two bluebirds who happily fluttered to him bringing him his cloak.

"Uh...thank you," he said bowing to the avians who responded with a series of chirps.

"Sorry, I'm not a Disney princess," this didn't seem to dishearten the birds as they continued to squawk at him furiously, "I don't speak adorable animal." Speaking of adorable animals, where was his Deidara-senpai? Tobi eyed the man leaning all to calmly against a tree.

"You do realize all these animals mean that activist saw through our genjutsu. Tobi thinks you should be more alert!" The only response he received to this was a sigh, and a shrug. Honestly, how could Deidara be so calm about possibly being pig-napped.

It was tragic to know that even though Tobi and Deidara where being tailed by Juugo, but even more tragic to know that Juugo in turn was being followed by Sasuke and his two stooges. Perhaps if all of the parties were mutually aware of each others presence they would've all picked up the pace a little. Alas, it was not meant to be and everything was about to come crashing together in a roaring crescendo of chaos, but for that particular moment the only crash was Deidara bumping into the water bucket near their fire and being reduced to his adorable bovine form. Tobi sighed as he headed over to pick up his nearly drowned senpai only to be greeted with the most terrifying words of his very brief criminal career:

"Hand over the piglet, foul villian!" And there surrounded by an army of pigeons was Juugo.

Tobi backed away wondering why Deidara was squirming so much.

"Tobi will not give up his senpai!" And maybe if Deidara were a more sensitive soul he would be touched by this moving display of dedication, but as he was pretty sure he despised Tobi more than the alternative he began to emit piggy squeals for help.

"Unhand him," Juugo demanded while commanding rabid birds directly at the masked man, only to watch in horror as they materialized straight through the Akatsuki member. Tobi chuckled nervously scratching his head, but this was a bad move as Deidara was still slick from his earlier incident, and managed to wriggle free of his grasp to run away.

"Piglet!"

"Senpai!"

"Squee!" (Saviour!)

"JUUGO, YOU IDIOT!" Wait...what? The attention of the scene was suddenly diverted to the new comers, which were none other than Sasuke, Karin and Suigetsu.

"We are totally off course because we went chasing after you," Karin scolded resisting the urge to punch the larger man, "and," she paused to turned to the small black creature frozen in the center of the clearing, "what is the hideous thing?"

"Squee squeakim!" Pretty sure this means: "Get a mirror, bitch," but you know these things are subject to interpretation.

"Juugo, you mean to tell me you compromised our mission for a pig?" Sasuke spat wondering if he traded one set of bizarre friends for an even more ridiculous set. Juugo's fists clenched in anger.

"Squee!" (Hey!) "Squee! Squee!"(I'm a wanted-) "Squee...," suddenly he was wondering if all of these soakings were getting to him, "Sque-, Sque..., ACHOO!"

"OH NO! Swine flu!" and with Karin's terrified shriek Tobi took that as his cue to grab Deidara and high tail it out of there.

"Piglet!" Only to be followed by Juugo.

"Juugo, damn it!" Not to mentioned Sasuke, Suigetsu and Karin.

Tobi was suddenly glad the were relatively close to Konoha because he was not sure how long he could put up with being attacked by shuriken, water sharks, woodland creatures and Karin's banshee shrieks. And...oh goodness, were those the gates? He quickly cast a disguising genjutsu before running into Konoha shrieking,

"Help! A band of robbers is right behind me!" Maybe Tobi was believable because he was actually beginning to become terrified or maybe it was just the absurdity of the situation that just let the guards accept his antics as truth, and slam the gates leaving Juugo to hopelessly claw at the wood.

Tobi sighed happily.

"Well, at least we lost them senpai," at which point he noticed something was slightly off, "senpai?!"Deidara, however, had already seized the window of opportunity and escaped into the city.

Meanwhile at the ministry of Pein, the origin of our two hopeless rescue crew members, the experimenters were growing weary, tired and sick of Zetsu's now flowery summons dancing around the laboratory. Kakazu got so infuriated that he made an appearance just to set the photosynthetic ballerinas on fire. Konan had long since given up, and had taken to napping on the couch in the corner of the room. No one else dared do something similar as they were all pretty sure Konan was the only one Pein wouldn't yell at. Either way, they all pretty much knew nothing useful was coming out of their work there.

"I just want to get out there and bloody do somethin'," Hidan snapped resisting the urge to throw over a lab table. Kakazu smirked.

"Just dying to jump in the Spring of Drowned Duck aren't you?" his partner taunted from across the room. The scythe wielder fumed.

"Shut up asshole! I ain't falling in no spring!"

"You could've fooled me, all you do is squawk."

And with that Zetsu found himself restraining Hidan from murdering Kakazu with his bare hands. Yes, the Akatsuki HQ was in chaos, and they all knew it...well they and a deviously, devious person who was currently spying from a deviously, devious place.

"Ohohoho," the aforementioned devious person chortled while pushing up his glasses, "well that's interesting."

And with this our nerdy spy journeyed away from the evil, villainous headquarters to yet another cliched villain housing development, a deliciously devilish lair (as if the alliteration would stop). After undoing a series of stereotypical traps that must guard any such lair, our lovely spy entered his room where he sat down on his magnificent chair...of evil.

"Yes," he stroked his chin, "I have plans for the Cursed Springs of Jusenkyo."

And the world shook in fear at the maniacal laugh that echoed through the lair of Kabuto...err Orochimaru...um...Kabutomaru!

XxxxxXxxxx

Where was he again? Why was he so groggy, and also some annoying person shaking him really hard. He grimly opened one eye to see his partner receiving information from someone with a look in his eyes he was not really sure he liked. The woman sat simply on her knees across the small room. Ah, wait, he did remember her, she had brought them there to explain to them why she thought he was her daughter, and at that thought it all came back to him. He must've passed out.

"So you're saying that Kaoru or Misa, we can't seem to agree on that, was your daughter who was of a once noble household. You used to live in a mansion...," Kisame stopped as the woman's face contorted.

"Manor," the woman corrected politely. The shark man shrugged, same difference.

"Manor. Then when Kaoru or Misa never returned from her trip to Jusenkyo it brought great dishonor on your household because you would not pronounce her dead, so now you live in this dump..."

The woman grimaced at Kisame's description, but then happily added, "but she is alive!"

"Right, OK, maybe. But, anyway you are practically shunned by all the other noble families because a betrothal has been on hold for forever because you were convinced Kaoru wasn't dead."

"Misa," the woman said with a small smile.

"This is so screwed up. Man, she is really going to get a kick out of this when she wakes up!" And with that Itachi pierced Kisame with his crimson gaze.

"Oh but, I already am," he watched with amusement as Kisame nearly jumped out of his skin as he sat up before bowing graciously to the older woman, "Miss, I am sorry, but I recall none of my former life you described before. I have grown and traveled with this man here for as long as I can remember."

"I told her I found you wandering through a forest." Kisame admitted.

"Don't worry these things don't come back very easily," the older woman said patting her "daughter's" shoulder. Itachi gave Kisame a death sentence with his eyes.

"And what other arrangements and things did you discuss while I was incapacitated," Itachi said with such venom, that the woman was really beginning to wonder if she really had made a mistake.

"Oh, just to meet the betrothed, that's all really," Itachi bawlked at Kisame. "What?! Don't you want to go back to the mansion," he received a glare from the room's other inhabitant, "I mean...manor?"

"No." He nearly shoved over Kisame before kneeling in front of the old woman.

"I am so sorry, I have no recollection. But, this," he looked regretfully over at Kisame, "is what I've grown used to." He hated to see the genuine sadness and defeat wash over the woman's features. He truly did feel sorry for her.

"Ah, but, your betrothed has just arrived," she said, motioning to the shadow that appeared at the front door, "please at least meet him. He does not believe you are alive and his family is very well respected. I am surprised the sent him here." The request was simple really, so simple that Itachi decided to oblige her, if so easy a task would make her satisfied. Energy renewed, the woman trotted over to the door.

"Misa, I reunite you with," as she opened the door with a flourished, "your old friend."

And it was then the Itachi in all his female glory stood face to face with the Byakugan. Some part of his old life flared up and he smirked stating, "Oh, why it's only a Hyuuga."

And with this remark Neji lost all composure and decided he did not really care who this was, they just hit the wrong mark.

"Excuse Ms. Hirano. But I must deal with this insult to my name," the Byakugan user said, stepping around the protesting woman to get a better look at his opponent. Kisame, in the meantime, had spread eagled himself in the middle of the floor anticipating bloodshed. They did not need a dojutsu battle in this woman's house.

"Kaoru, can we have a word outside," he said dragging his female partner out the door past a disgusted Neji.

"Look. Stop being so bloody selfish for once and listen. Think, the Sharingan and the Byakugan! Those kids will have laser eyes and shit!" Kisame then began making what he must of thought were laser sounds towards the direction of the house.

"Is your main line of argumentation? And, me selfish? This is the second time you have pawned me off for your own personal gain!" He spat, not looking nearly so intimidating, as even at the max of his height in this form he barely made it to Kisame's shoulder. His partner shrugged and slung him unceremoniously over his shoulder despite Itachi's loud protests before slinging open the front door.

"You know it's been a long day for us," Kisame offered a still much-too-toothy grin, "we haven't been in town long. She's tired," he got a very sharp kick at this, "and you know we're just going to go think this over and get back to ya'll." Itachi then began pounding furiously on his back causing Kisame to visibly wince.

"I urge to ignore this man. Listen," he said fixing Neji with a crimson glare, "under no circumstances will I ever marry a Hyuuga." Uchiha pride began to swell up with him as he at least had this small victory for the day.

"Good," Neji responded quickly, "as I have no interest in you either. Good day Ms. Hirano." With that Neji promptly stormed out the apartment complex, and Kisame saw his mansion dreams go up in smoke. Defeated he slid Itachi to the ground.

"I am sorry Ms. Hirano," he said bowing at the tearful woman, "for the undue emotional strain we must have caused." But, instead she wrapped the S-class criminal in an bone shattering hug.

"Oh no!" she sobbed, "It's just so beautiful, just like when you were children!" And suddenly Itachi realized that this day might have just gone very, very badly.

Shortly afterwards, the two bid goodbye to the joyous Ms. Hirano who encouraged Itachi to come by and collect his clothes and old things as even if he didn't remember he was Misa. After that display, the old woman was pretty convinced. At this Kisame muttered something about old people and fanciful delusions as they walked back towards town.

"You're...going to hurt me aren't you?" Kisame said glancing down at his companion.

"Yes, Kisame, but I won't tell you when or how. The pain will just come," Itachi replied cooly and with a bit more joy than Kisame was comfortable with. Right as Kisame was trying to figure out who he wanted to include in his will, he noticed Sakura running up to them.

"I found out information about Jusenkyo," she said happily, "you see when people or animals drown in the springs, the victim of the curse takes on properties of whatever drowned originally."

Itachi snorted, causing Sakura to glare at his ungrateful outburst. "Haruno, this is largely the same information we derived from today," Sakura's eyes widened, "and the name of the Drowned Girl is Misa Hirano."

XxxxxxXxxxx

Well...?

What trouble will Tobi and Deidara find in Konoha? What devious plans are afoot in the lair of Kabutomaru? With Sasuke right outside Konoha's gates, will he finally have the showdown of the century with his brother, and what the devil were the Inuzuka's doing all chapter?

Find out in the next thrilling chapter of Itachi 1/2, coming...when I get back from Costa Rica. Yay monkeys! Please read and review. A zillion people have this on alert...how about a line or two? :D :D


	9. The Animals!

I'm back from Costa Rica, and my internship has been affording me time to write to keep from going completely insane (isn't that lovely?) So here is the slightly, but only slightly, overdue chapter of Itachi 1/2. Our favorite villain turned tortured protagonist is back for another round, and I really never have been very sympathetic to his plight. This story is on the alert/favorites list of a LOT of people. I am grateful that you enjoy this psychotic excuse for a story, but you know what makes me really happy, feedback. Just clicky the review button. Its not hard...I promise.

Disclaimer: Naruto, Ranma 1/2 and Itachi do not belong to me at all. If they did, Juugo's summon would totally be Bambi.

Brought to you by...the letter D.

XxxxxX

The next morning the three of them crammed into Sakura's meager kitchen to have a brainstorming session to try and make sense of everything. Noticeably, Kisame was taking up a lot of the space and the disguised Samehade kept getting caught in the door frame anytime he attempted to exit the room.

"You going to fix my paint sharkman?" Sakura asked. Kisame snorted in response. Sakura sighed, _criminals_.

Itachi cleared his throat loudly trying to regain command of the situation. "It would seem," he started, shooting his partner a warning glare, "that Misa Hirano's disappearance from Konoha is explained by her death in the Jusenkyo Springs." Itachi turned his eyes to Sakura who was twiddling her thumbs, a nervous habit she seemed to have developed from hanging around them. "While this fact is interesting, it is not necessarily helpful."

"I beg to disagree," the pink haired ninja replied, "it actually tells a great deal about how the curse technique can be formed." She raised a curious eyebrow at the intimidating male sitting across her kitchen table. "By the way, didn't see you at the Inuzuka compound for tournament sign ups. Poor, desperate Kiba." She said with a grin, fishing for a response out of the Uchiha. Itachi's face became stony.

"Oh, we made appearance," he said with a grimace trying not to recall the tomfoolery that defined his evening yesterday.

Itachi, or Kaoru and her constantly-in-fear-of-death-by-Sharingan father, Kisame, had wandered into the Inuzuka compound shortly after meeting Sakura in the street. They supposed they should have expected the dogs rushing at them or the puppies that chewed on their pant legs as they dragged their way to the registration table. Much to their dismay, Kiba's mother was manning the table. In her presence, the dogs all began howling trying to communicate. Damn Inuzukas...

"I'm here to," He shouted, being all but drowned out by the animals, and Tsume didn't even appear to be trying to listen. He tried louder. "I am here to-," but the howls just got even more deafening. A frown was beginning to mar Itachi's feminine features. "Could you please get those mongrels to desist?"

Tsume smirked at the two disgruntled Akatsuki members. "Sit."

The thunderous sound of hundreds of bottoms hitting the ground shook through the compound. Itachi sighed to himself,_ utterly ridiculous_.

"You were saying something Kaoru dear?" The woman made no attempt to hide her disdain for the crimson eyed female in front of her.

"Before or after I had to ask you to teach your rude animals to cease," Itachi challenged which caused Kisame to groan.

"Rude." Tsume's face became infuriated. "_Animals." _And now outraged. "They are members of the Inuzuka family!" She spat, while Kisame tried to indiscreetly write Kaoru's name on the entry sheet.

"Odd, they merely look like canines to me," Itachi said, knowing he was going to have a permanent grudge against this woman, "but that doesn't really say much about you does it?"

Tsume's infuriated scream could be heard throughout the Inuzuka house. Kisame backed away from the table nervously questioning Itachi, "Don't you think you went a little far?" The only response he received was a shrug.

"Inuzukas!" Tsume cried and the dogs all turned to her in attention. She quickly grabbed Itachi's sleeve ripping the fabric despite the his protests. "Get a good sniff." A wind swept through the yard as all of the dog's inhaled in unison. Kisame's face paled.

"Good," the woman's smile turned malicious, "now," she said gesturing to a glaring Itachi, "fetch." It only took about a second for them to comprehend the mass of four legged creatures descending upon then. There was only really one thing to do in these kinds of situations, "RUN!" shouted Kisame. The two S-class ninjas ran out the gate as quickly as their legs would carry them both hearing Tsume's shouts to stay away from her house. The dogs continued to chase them as they rain towards the main section of town.

A kunai zipped past Kisame's head and he turned to see a chihuahua gripping one of the metal weapons in its mouth. "How the hell did it-," he dodged a senbon aimed at his throat, "do that."

Itachi skidded to a halt facing the stampeding animals. "Enough of this idiocy." He began to form handseals, recalling Sakura's advice on chakra control.

"Katon!" Kisame's eyes widened and he proceeded to get the hell out of the way. "Goukakyuu no-"

STOP! No animals were harmed in the making of this scene. Pets are people too. OK, now we can carry on.

"-JUTSU!" The fireball spewed out of Itachi's mouth only to realize that it had quickly dissipated into smoke. He saw Kisame's nervous smile as he looked up from his own handseal.

"But Itachi," he reasoned, "some of them are just puppies." Puppies or not they still wanted to kill them. Itachi's rage was muted by the fact that Sakura's suggestion had actually worked. His technique had almost been at full power, if only the shark hadn't interfered. Speaking of sharks, his noticed his partner had let out a surprised shout and turned to find a Yorkshire terrier had sped ahead of the pack and had begun gnawing at his shoe.

"Keep moving!" Kisame said shoving the small canine off and continuing to run towards town. They needed something to throw off their scent. Water. And as convenient plot logic would have it, they came upon a bath house. The two only had to give each other confirming glances before they dashed through the front door. They were immediately greeted by immense steam, Itachi was rather surprised he hadn't reverted. There was suddenly a feminine shriek.

"AH! A man!" There was suddenly panic and exodus. "It must be Jiraiya!" And at this the exodus only became more fervent. Itachi's eyes widened in recognition, the perverted sage. They must not be able to see Kisame clearly, but the sound of barking was drawing near. Itachi shoved his partner to the appropriate side of the bath house and ordered him to meet him at the other end. Itachi ran adeptly trying not to slip on the slick tile ignoring the curious stares.

A small woman frowned curiously, "Is that," she said glancing at the door, "barking?" Not a moment to soon, the dogs barreled through the front door resulting in another set of shrieks. Itachi stepped up the pace,hoping the steam would be enough to divert them, at least it seemed the animals had stopped to sniff. Suddenly he lost his footing and went careening into a bath. He quickly regained his composure, spitting out the water in his mouth. He stared at the face of a panic stricken woman. He looked down, ah, he was all male again.

"Miss," he suggested, "it would be best if you remained calm." Of course he was greeted with screaming instead and a quick Mangekyo later the woman was sound asleep on the side of the bath. Itachi climbed out of the water, aware the mutts had been alerted to his location and tried to head as discreetly as possible towards the exit, trying not to notice how horridly his clothes fit. This naturally is rather difficult when you're a wanted man in a women's bath house. He heard a growl and turned to see a bulldog hot on his trail. Noticing a new pool, he dove quickly into the water. Just his luck, a swimming pool, he noted as he began swimming towards the edge. He noticed the bulldog angrily doggy paddling at his heels. It bit down on his pant leg, his now feminine voice shouted angrily, eventually wiggling free but losing his pants in the process. If Itachi were actually a girl, and endowed with a sense of modesty, perhaps he would've cared, but as he wasn't he continued running towards the exit in his boxers and shirt. Eventually he careened into something stationary. He looked up to see his worse nightmare.

"Jiraiya," he sputtered, suddenly feeling very, very exposed.

"Ah," the Sannin smiled, a bit too widely, "the beautiful and mysterious new girl in town. It seems that the hype is," Itachi tried to resist the urge to vomit as he received a once over, "worth it." Suddenly, throwing himself to the dogs seemed very, very appealing.

Jiraiya's eyes widened as he took in the mass of canines heading toward them. He scratched his head. "Ah," he said, "you must have angered the Inuzukas." He chuckled. "Have no fear, I'll protect you." He quickly added, with a grin, "for a price of course."

_Over my dead body._ Itachi was long gone when Jiraiya turned after dealing with the hounds. In fact, he was already out the bathhouse. He glanced around for his partner while tying a towel he'd...borrowed from the locker room. Kisame eventually burst through the doors still being pursued by half of the dogs.

"You haven't ridded yourself of them?" Itachi growled. Kisame chuckled nervously. Damn animal sympathizers.

"Kaoru!" Itachi looked up after hearing his fake name to see Kiba. Seeing the window of opportunity, Itachi and Kisame stood behind the confused Kiba and Akamaru. The dogs were descending on them fast. The male Inuzuka merely rolled his eyes.

"Sit." The dogs skidded to a halt in their tracts and plopped on the ground. Kiba sighed exasperated, "Did mother send you?" The canines all whimpered in response. The Inuzuka scratched his head. "I'm sorry about this. My mother peculiar ways of handling things."

Kisame snorted, "He...I mean she admittedly deserved it." Itachi chose to glare angrily at a tree. Kiba chuckled.

"It's fine." He replied. "She gets to me too sometimes." The dogs all barked in agreement. "What were you doing at my place anyway?"

"Signing up for the Marital Martial Arts Tournament." Itachi shot his partner a silencing glare. Well, a bit too late. Kiba's face lit up a little too much.

"Really?" He asked, happily, "You're really going to try?" Suddenly his face turned a remarkable shade of pink. "Thank you." Itachi resisted the urge to snort. "But you'll have to be careful. Real ninjas will be entering for the money."

"I believe I am capable of handling myself." Itachi responded, noticing with agony that the Inuzuka's eyes had softened.

"I know." He said, simply. "I'll see you around," he added as he looked at the barrage of dogs he needed to get home. He waved goodbye before leading the pack back to his bizarre home.

"Aww," Kisame cooed, "your champion saves you again." Itachi sighed.

"Kisame." The shark man looked down at his female partner.

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

Sakura watched Itachi's distracted gaze return to normal. "What happened when you went?" she asked.

"It's not worth mentioning." He responded, ignoring Kisame's laughter.

"Well I have something worth mentioning," she said smilingly, "I figured out a genjutsu, kind of like Tsunade's. It will allow you to hold your male form even if you transform. It should also hold your chakra signature. So you can appear stronger than you actually are, but if someone begins fighting you," she said, eyeing him, "they'll probably figure it out."

"That's not a solution." The Uchiha responded flatly.

"Yes," she snapped, "but it's a temporary fix. I've only been at this for a bloody day."

Itachi quickly realized he'd been in error. "Forgive me," he said, "this situation is merely frustrating." He noticed the girl staring at him in wonder. He really was not much like his brother at all. She really hadn't imagined someone so polite as being a mass murderer. But, politeness aside, he was still a homicidal maniac, albeit an attractive one. "Sakura, I will learn your technique."

Meanwhile, in another section of town, Tobi was still frantically searching for his senpai, disturbing the general populous with his pig calls. But, it was becoming clear Deidara had no interest in being found.

"Tobi is a failure," he wailed, shoulders slumping in defeat. On the other hand, a certain black piglet was watching the younger member's misery with delight. Maybe if he was depressed, he would actually shut up.

Deidara creeped back out of the bush and proceeded to continue to explore the city. He noticed it was a lot different than his home village. A lot sunnier for one, and a bit more populated. It was different, but not awful. He snuck quietly between people's feet following the smell of ramen. He was beginning to get hungry, maybe he could get some snacks. He snuck underneath a table with a heeled pair of shoes and some black flats and waited for scraps. He heard a feminine voice say above him,"Oh! Ton ton! Stop squirming!" The voice belonged to Shizune who was trying to force a pig to stay in her lap. "What's wrong?"

"Ton ton!"

Tsunade sighed and ordered Shizune to put the pig down. Couldn't she see she was trying to talk to her? Deidara slinked into the shadows of the table as a larger pink pig was placed on the ground looking around curiously. Of all the tables to pick...

The pink pig, he supposed it must be Ton Ton, was sniffing it's way back to him. He'd backed into a corner; there was nowhere to go. The pig nudged him with its snout. He unintentionally let out a piggy squeak.

"Ton ton?"

"Squee!" (I'm not here!) The pig continued to nuzzle him with its nose despite his protest. Well, it was a she, he could see that much. Eventually, after growing tired of being poked, Deidara walked of his corner to hopefully sneak away. The larger pig blocked him.

"Ton ton!"

"Squee. Squeakim. Squee." (I seriously have no idea what you're saying.) Apparently, the other pig might have been having the same problem because it continued sniffing him with its snout. Suddenly he was not sure he liked the look in its eyes.

"Ton ton!" He was not sure he was at all comfortable and were those-hearts in her eyes? Oh sweet merciful Buddha...

"Ton ton!!" He skidded away from being pounced upon by the larger animal who looked increasingly disappointed at his escape attempts.

"Squeak! Squeal! Squeak!" (No thanks sister, I'm in a committed relationship.) But even the pig looked at him extremely doubtful at this, "Squeal. Squeal." (Even if it is with myself...)

Deidara took that opportunity to hop over the heeled shoe back into the walkway and begin a mad dash for the door. The larger pig followed him. He scurried his little piggy feet against the floor, and it wasn't long before he realized he was being held by the scruff. He looked up to see a woman with short black hair staring at him curiously.

"Ton ton!" The woman looked down happily acknowledging the larger pink creature before returning her attentions to him.

"So this is what you were bothered about?" Shizune said, raising an eyebrow. Tsunade gave an exasperated sigh. Deidara's eyes widened in panic. The Hokage? He need to get out of here now and began squirming frantically in Shizune's grip. The woman was stronger than she looked, or maybe he was just pathetically weak now. He held up one of his little hoof.

"What on Earth is on your feet? Are those-" But before Shizune could finish she found herself enveloped in a cloud of smoke.

"Squeak!" (Kai!) And it was in the distraction that Deidara escaped, not even bothering to notice the forlorn Ton ton gazing out of the ramen stand.

"And that," choked Tsunade, waving away the smoke while glaring at the pouting Shizune, "is why you don't play with wild animals."

Speaking of people who play with wild animals, Juugo was currently standing on the edge of a very large hole in which the rest of his traveling party was occupying themselves with shovels. He tried to ignore the large amounts of dirt being slung in his general direction- it made being a look out rather troublesome.

"Sasuke," Suigetsu whined, "why are we doing this again?"

"To infiltrate Konoha."

"Couldn't we just use, I don't know, genjustu?"

"We do not wish to be detected."

"But really? A hole? Really though. I mean you seriously need some planning help I-" But the shovel colliding with the Mist nin's head quickly shut him up.

"Do not question Sasuke!" Karin spat angrily. "He's always got a plan!"

Suigetsu pouted, "You see, this is why no one likes us." Karin groaned angrily and went back to digging. Juugo sighed. At their current digging rate, the would be on the other side of the Konoha wall by late evening. He just hoped Sasuke actually knew what he was doing and not leading them into some sort distasteful, deranged disaster.

Oh and speaking of alliterations beginning with the lovely letter D, a certain deviously, devious villain was constructing a decidedly,daring plan in his deliciously,devilish lair (Oh no!). Yes, it was truly his most naughtily, nefarious plan yet!

He laughed manically as he poured over maps of Jusenkyo. It was finally time for Orochimaru to rise again. Why he only had to figure out how to separate Orochimaru's body from his own and he would create the Cursed Spring of Orochimaru. From there, new Orochimarus could be born and he could, he could take over the world!

"Mwhahahaha!" Kabutomaru said in a typically, terrifying way. He would drain all the springs except for two, his created Drowned Spring of Orochimaru and The Spring of Drowned Duck for all those who dare speak against him. With the other springs gone, there'd be no way to stop the Orochimarus he planned to forcibly shove in there. It was perfect it was-

"Kabuto?" A voice shot through his head. "How do you intend to get me out of here?"

His shoulders slumped. He hadn't quite figured that out yet, but he absolutely aimed to! And he knew of a certain denizen residing at the Ministry of Pein who knew just how to split bodies perfectly...

In a less villainous section of the plot, Tobi sat defeated on a bench, head in his hands. He'd failed his mission. He'd failed his senpai, and most of all he'd failed himself. He began to sniff.

"Good sir! Why are you not celebrating your springtime of youth?" Tobi looked up to see a boy clad in green flashing a one up sign with a disturbingly choreographed glint in his grin.

"Tobi has lost something very, very important." He said looking down at the ground again.

"How tragic. I will do 100 fingerpush ups and then throw myself in the river where I will be forced to wrestle an anaconda if I cannot help you!" The boy declared. Tobi looked at him and realized he might be serious.

"That's very kind of you. You are a good person." Tobi added importantly, "And Tobi is a good boy! He...just messed up."

"Well Tobi, I'm Rock Lee, and I'm a nice guy!" And with this he struck another nice guy pose. Tobi straightened up feeling encouraged.

"Then you will help me track down the little black piggy that is Tobi's senpai?!"

"I'm going to refrain from asking why your senpai is a pig as it might disturb my irrational youthful exuberance. But yes, I promised to help didn't I?" Tobi cheered happily at this.

"Wait." Tobi turned as he sensed a presence behind him. Balancing on the edge of his bench eyeing them curiously was blond boy with whisker markings on his cheeks. Tobi's eyes widened in recognition, the Kyuubi container.

"Lee," Naruto said exasperated, "I thought we were training." Tobi looked curiously at Naruto. Maybe he didn't screw up so bad after all.

"Yes, but this poor soul has had his happiness dashed away. He cannot find his pig and I vowed by the power vested in this youthful frame to-" Naruto held up a hand to stop Lee's speech, nodding that he understood.

"I guess I can help," Naruto face peeled into a huge smile, "Got to build my reputation before I become Hokage and all." Tobi was astonished.

"You will help Tobi?" The Akatsuki member said jumping up and staring at Naruto.

"Yeah, between the three of us a pig shouldn't be that hard to catch," Naruto said with a shrug. Tobi thanked whatever deity was working in his favor for once. The Kyuubi and his senpai in one day? This was a miracle, maybe...maybe he'd get promoted.

"Together our youthful energy will be unstoppable!" Lee said fire burning in his eyes. "That is the power of the nice guy!" Lee said striking his signature pose.

"Oh, and Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi exclaimed feeling the need to do something to match Lee's enthusiasm.

"And I'm the other nice guy?" Naruto said, scratching his head confused.

"Come on team! Let us rescue Tobi's pig from the bowels of evil!"

And somewhere a child wept.

XxxxxX

Itachi had succeeded in learning Sakura's technique. He decided to go out late at night to see if he could hold the jutsu under normal circumstances instead of merely sitting in Sakura's house. Still, it was progress. He was merely waiting for nightfall, but in the meantime he was grateful for the girl's skill.

Perhaps if he knew what was going on at the East side of the Konoha gate, he would not have had the same feelings, but Itachi didn't know. Around that time Suigetsu managed to break through on the other side of the wall as he head burst through the dirt.

"Whoa," he said, slightly dizzied, "Hey...hey! We made it!" Karin shoved him out of the way angrily to get a look.

"Oh!" She exclaimed. "Sasuke has finally taken me to the town of his birth as a token of his affection!" Suigetsu paled. How was he not supposed to puke after that?

Sasuke shoved both of his "friends" out of the way. "I did no such thing. It is nearly nightfall. Let's get moving." The trio climbed out of their self made pit and waited for Juugo to follow suit. Eventually the man appeared inside the wall and climbed up greeting them.

"I know what you are thinking Juugo." The man raised an eyebrow at the Uchiha. "We are not here for the pig, we are here to question the Akatsuki member as to my brother's whereabouts." Juugo remained silent as he followed Sasuke and the others into a dark alleyway. "We remain here until the streets clear."

Sakura had agreed to accompany Itachi late that night in seeing if he could hold the jutsu. Walking around Konoha required him to be on guard and use considerably more resources than before. As far as Sakura could tell, it seemed to be working. The two walked towards the edge of town. Sakura was hoping she could get him out of the village and use the opportunity to subdue him, but as she was sensing his waves of chakra, she was beginning to realize that probably was going to end with her getting her butt kicked. Itachi stopped in his tracks and his eyes became full of expression.

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked, and as she turned to look in front of them, she knew exactly what was wrong.

"Sasuke."

To be continued!

The brother finally meet! What will happen in this showdown? Will Sakura double team her old crush with his brother? Who is Kabutomaru going to try and steal out of the Ministry of Pein and will he suceed? Will the Inuzukas ever be normal? Will the ending authors notes every not be full of questions?

Find out in the next thrilling (or demented) installment of Itachi 1/2. Please R&R, I will love you forever.


	10. The Complications!

I continue to appreciate the reviews, alerts, C2 additions, and hits this story received even in my extended absence. Extended note at the bottom.

Xxxxx

A long time ago, on the last edition of Itachi 1/2:

Itachi while wandering through the forest pondered just what a Byakugan and Sharigan union would be like? Would it be a Shakugan and somehow involve a strange high school boy on a cliche quest with a crazy, crimson-eyed samurai girl? No, no, no. That would be too silly.

Juugo decided to up and join the circus because, you know, there's a need for animal tamers. Real shortage these days. And I hear their, like, key to economic growth or something.

Sasuke, while racing to find Itachi, actually got a speeding ticket from some patrolling nins. Unfortunately he was also found to be over the possession of allowable soldier pills and received a DUI. Karin and Suigetsu are still trying to post bail; any donations will now be accepted at your nearest ninja equipment vendor.

But seriously, none of that ever happened. So perhaps we should check in on reality at a certain Ministry of Pein in which several ill-fortuned criminals currently lay wait. Little did they know, danger was afoot. But, as fate would have it, obliviousness to danger is kind of what the Akatsuki have been about as of late.

A certain, completely-unaware-of-the-ill-conceived-plotwist-that-he-probably-should -have-seen-coming missing nin was wandering the corridors of the headquarters relishing in his life and generally being loud and profane.

"Amazing blade, how sharp the edge, that cut a zombie like me! I once was dead, but that was fake. Was blind, but now I see! Was-" Thunk! An angered Hidan glared up at the token grass ninja. Zetsu slid out of the singing zealot's way.

"Awfully cheerful today zombie boy," Zetsu noted, the light side of his face raising a curious eyebrow.

"Indeed," Hidan said with a cheerful grin, "it's Sacred week!" Zetsu groaned. Did he even want to know what that meant?

"Ah, is that why you were singing?" he asked wearily.

"Yeah," Hidan brandished his scythe in front of the grass nin's face boasting, "maybe you didn't know plant boy, but I was the lead alto in the Jashin Boy's Choir."

"Ah," Zetsu replied, leaning away from the weapon, "how...versatile of you."

"Damn straight, and you know what today is?" Hidan said, glaring down his weapon at the Grass nin.

"Alms to the poor day?" Zetsu tried.

"Hahahahaha," the weapon returned to its holster while Hidan stumbled away from Zetsu laughing."Oh, you make funny jokes. No, its sacrifice-a-buddy day," the glint in his eyes became decidedly more twisted, "and I didn't realize we were such good pals until right now Zetsu."The Grass nin audibly gulped as he backed into the shadows away from his crazed colleague.

"Now Hidan," he said trying to get as far away as possible, "let's be reasonable about this," retrieving a kunai, he wondered about the angry nin's sudden silence, "...Hidan?" Slightly puzzled by the erratic change in behavior, Zetsu crept back into the light. "Hidan?" Odd.

_Quack! Quack! _

A silver duck? Where did this? ..._No._

Zetsu whirled around from the infuriated avian. "Who's there?" he asked beginning to panic while holding the small blade into the darkness.

Malicious laughter echoed through the hallway as a figure stepped into the light and pushed up his glasses.

"Zetsu," the figure smirked, "how convenient."

The grass nin's eyes narrowed in recognition, "Orochimaru."

"Actually, it's Kabutomaru," the villian replied brushing off the technicality, "our bodies are currently combined but-"

"Eww!" Zetsu cried, looking away, "that's gross!"

"Oh for Jashin's sake! Not like that!"

"Oh." Zetsu turned back to his attention. Wait, was he celebrating Sacred Week too?

"Since you seem be very good at this whole dual personality split thing, I figured I'd enlist your help in separating us so I can then create clones of Orochimaru by dumping people into the Cursed Springs."

"Oh okay," Zetsu scratched his head, "wait, what was that last part?"

"Oh," Kabutomaru quickly hid the cursed water in his pocket, "nothing."

"And if I refuse?" Zetsu questioned, shifting into a defensive stance.

"Well if you want to end up like bird-brain over there..." The black side of the Grass nin's face paled and he quickly placed a hand on the spectacled man's shoulder.

"So, when do we start?"

Meanwhile, with some characters which have been hanging on a cliff from quite sometime, a reunion was occurring that wasn't exactly pretty.

"Sasuke."

"_You!"_

"Yes Sasuke," Sakura exclaimed lightly pushing Itachi out of the way, "it _is me." _

"_How dare you come back here after what you've done._" Sasuke spat unsheathing his katana.

"Hello," Sakura said, waving, "I'm right here."

"I do believe someone is speaking to you Sasuke. Or have you become to dimwitted to recognize it?" Itachi mused as he fully appeared from the shadows, completely unfazed by his brother's antics.

"I'm going to make you pay!" he shouted lunging around the pink-haired girl.

"Dammit," Sakura screamed, "forget about him for one second, idiot." Suddenly the ground was ripped in two by the girl's angry punch. Sasuke quickly lost his footing from the surprise jolt. The trio of misfit friends, being even more incompetent than Sasuke, toppled over.

"This is new," the Sharingan user stated, "noted." He quickly shifted stances to charge at Sakura with his sword which she caught between her hands. Itachi was admittedly impressed by the girl's strength, but this was not her fight. He needed her alive.

"Get out of here, stupid!" Sakura glared over her shoulder at the cursed man. "What are you doing?"

What? She thought he was protecting him? Even in his condition, he felt certain he could defend himself against his brother. Sasuke broke out of Sakura's hold and sliced at her.

"You're with him?"

"No," Sakura said, dodging the erratic blows, "it's kind of complicated. If you could just let me," she ducked under a blow aimed for her head, "explain."

"I'm," he aimed another shot at her head, "listening." Her response was to try and land a blow on him long enough to incapacitate him, but he was moving to fast.

"No you're not," she spat, "you never listen! Your brother is-" But at the mention of his brother Sasuke grew outraged and aimed a fire jutsu directly at Sakura, but the blow never came. Itachi stood between the two Team 7 members easily canceling Sasuke's attack.

Sakura's eyes widened,"Itachi." The missing nin acknowledged the female.

"Sakura."

"Sasuke." Red eyes fixed on the younger Uchiha.

"Suigetsu!" The Mist nin shrank back to his place on the ground as three angry glares connected with him. "Sorry, I just figured since we were all introducing ourselves. ...Okay, I'll be quiet now."

Itachi tried to ignore Sasuke's bizarre companion. "This woman is of use to me alive. I can't have you harming her with your recklessness." If looks could kill, Sasuke's rage would have killed Itachi right then. But they can't, and that's fortunate.

"Well that doesn't exclude my recklessness!" Suigetsu recovered, aiming a sudden kick at Itachi's face; the man easily dodged and landed a blow on the Mist ninja's face, but realized his blow only connected with water. Oh no...

"Gah," Sakura wailed, "you got all flustered and dropped the jutsu! It would've been fine!"

A female Itachi gave an infuriated scoff, and Sasuke looked like he was about to be sick.

"You're a-a-," he pointed at the figure in front of him, "what kind of trick is this?" He turned to glare at Sakura, who giggled nervously murmuring nonsense about Tsunade, science experiments and that she had totally heard something about Itachi vacationing near the Sand village.

Karin scratched her head,"I didn't know you had a sister Sasuke."

"I don't!" he spat as he continued listening to Sakura's increasingly elaborate explanation.

Suddenly, the alarm sounded and really if it just now sounded, perhaps Konoha should probably invest in better security, but that was beside the point. Sasuke and company realized they needed to make themselves scarce.

"Well it's been nice talking to you Sasuke," Sakura said grabbing the female by the arm, "but you know me and my experiments. I must be going. Hope you find your brother!"

And she was gone in a puff of smoke leaving behind a very, very confused set of people.

Juugo neared Sasuke's slumped form, "Don't mean to be rude Sasuke, but you keep strange company. What _was that?_"

Sasuke merely stared at the spot where Sakura had just disappeared. "I don't know, but she was lying."

Xxxxxxxxx

Sakura reappeared with the female Itachi inside the kitchen of her house, stumbling over to the table.

"Okay," she said, "I feel stupid. I just saved your butt, could've just let Sasuke skewer you and now I'm hurt." Sliding into a chair, she let out a frustrated groan.

"In any case," Itachi replied turning the hot water nob, "my brother will be diverted, at least for a short while." He was pretty sure he heard Sakura kick a chair leg and mumble something along the lines of 'should've let him kill you.'

"Stupid." Bang. "Stupid!" Crash. "Stupid!" The chair leg split in two sending Sakura's kitchen chair tumbling over. Itachi's eyes glistened in amusement as he repaired the wooden furniture with a technique he'd learned from watching that Yamato character. The pink-haired girl peaked out from over the table at him.

"Why are you fixing my chair," she questioned, "this is the kind of stuff that makes it hard to hate you. Makes me not want to you just throw you to the wolves." Itachi raised an eyebrow propping the chair upright before crouching on the floor to look up at her. She turned away from him. "You're nothing like I imagined," she muttered, just audible enough for him to hear. A rather pregnant silence followed.

"And, what did you imagine, Sakura?" He saw her shoulders tense.

She leaned back in her chair to look at directly in the eyes, with a raised eyebrow she asked, "Honestly?"

"Honestly."

She glanced around at her belongings before pointing an accusing finger at him, "Okay, but you have to promise: no Mangekyo in the house!"

He blinked puzzled at the accusation before nodding, "I promise." She relaxed noticeably.

"Well for one I thought you'd be more rude, short-tempered, blood-thirsty, arrogant, and well, angry?"

"I believe you just described by brother."

She laughed nervously, "Yeah," surprise shifted into her features, "wait, you just made fun of Sasuke!"

"It's only a problem if Kisame does it." A hand came to her lips suppressing a giggle as he rose to his feet silently dusting his clothes off.

"I must be heading home," he stated, making Sakura aware of what was going on and that he had been with her -alone -in her house -at night, and she was alive. Man, things were looking up. A small smile crossed her features as she showed him to the door. She could totally survive this. Why she didn't even mind waving to the asshole; he was such a friendly asshole.

"Sakura," he said turning over his shoulder to look at her puzzled face, "thank you."

_Aww, maybe he really wasn't so bad. _

Xxxxx

The next week rolled by with relatively minor complications. Sakura had to work overtime in the hospital. Kisame kept wondering when Itachi was going to finally permanently maim him, but his partner had wandered off to train for that horrifying Anything Goes Marital Martial Arts Tournament. His hate for Kiba's mother was so strong it was driving his will to win. His scarce presence made it hard for Itachi's "mother" to call on him or his growing list of suitors to find him. Yes, it was an ideal situation. Even Itachi's ridiculous brother was laying low. Why people didn't even ask him if they could cook him since he strolled around like a normal Konoha citizen. Yes everything was fine until...

_Squee! _Yes, everything was ideal, and maybe if he just shut his eyes-

_Squeal! Squeal! _Maybe took a nap? Don't sharks die if they take naps? It doesn't matter he was going to take one for Pete's sake.

_Squee, Squee, Squeakim (I know you can here me Kisame. I know you speak animal.) _Oh,no. Great. So much for peace and quiet. Now, he had to track down that infernal noise; he hoped it wasn't just him growing a conscience. Luckily, it wasn't a conscience; it was just a tiny black pig, with a scope, and mouths on its hands...

"Deidara?" the shark man exclaimed. The tiny pig angrily gnawed on his finger.

_Squee, Squeakim!_ Translation: Who else would it be fool?

"What are you doing here? Where's Tobi?"

SQUEE! Squeakim. Translation: Shh! Not so loud, he'll hear you or that dumb Ton-Ton chick will.

"Eh, what?" Kisame glanced around. "A chic? Like a bird?"

_Squee! Squeakim! Squee! _Translation: Just hide me, yeah! Kisame couldn't really protest as Deidara made himself hidden in the folds of his clothes. The nin slipped out of the alleyway and proceeded just to creep quietly back towards Sakura's place for a nice nap before their meeting and-

"Halt sir!"Well, he hoped it wasn't the police.

_Xxxxxx_

Pein, Kakazu, and Konan were surrounding a puddle of water around which was giant scythe and a pile of discarded clothing.

"You know at least it'll be quieter around here," Kakazu offered. Konan stared at the readings from the analysis she'd performed on the water.

"It's the Spring of Drowned Duck. That makes two animals,1 girl, two semi-competent partners and a kidnapped man plant," she added, "anything I'm missing?"

Kakazu scratched his head, "well Sasori's dead."

"That too," Pein said frowning, "this is getting out of hand." Pein hated waiting, but they could not really risk anything absurdly, ridiculous happening to anyone else. At the least, they could try to devise a rescue plan for Zetsu. As for the group from Konoha, they would simply have to wait. Why did he feel like his organization might be doomed?

Xxxx

Kisame stared into the face of a young boy in a green jumpsuit.

"Hello sir," Lee greeted with his trademark grin, "We're team nice guy! I'm Lee, the nice guy!"

"And Tobi's a good boy!" A familiar masked man said with a shout.

"And I'm Naruto," the Kyuubi container said, noticeably less enthusiastic about being associated with the group, "the...other nice guy."

Kisame nearly balked. The Kyuubi container and Tobi (he felt Deidara squirm at his partner's voice) together? If they were friends, this could make their job so much easier. Perhaps they could cure Itachi's curse and lift the Kyuubi out of the village in one trip. Maybe someone up there had decided to smile upon them...

"Honorable sir," Lee stated in his peculiarly loud version of talking, "have you seen this animal?" A poor rendering of Deidara was handed to him, and he couldn't help but notice the curley-cue signature of Tobi at the bottom of the drawing. Oh good grief.

"No I haven't," he replied handing the paper back, "but I will be sure and let you know if I do."

"Oh Tobi would be so grateful! I've been looking for so long!" Wrapping the stunned man in tight hug, Tobi whispered through tears, _I know it's you Kisame, we will speak soon. _

A shiver shot down the shark-man's spine. That Tobi was a strange one, very strange indeed. Wincing, as a series of piglet kicks connected with his stomach, Kisame blurted, "Okay, got to go now."

Naruto scratched his head. It sure seemed like a lot of odd people were in town these days.

Kisame arrived at Sakura's house none to soon and was greeted by a bored looking Itachi and weary Sakura.

"Wow," he commented, "you're looking unusually terrible today."

"Get out of my life," Sakura said glumly. Stupid hospital. Stupid shifts. Stupid Akatsuki!

"Hey it was a compliment!" he felt a cold gaze fall on his shoulders, "...sort of." The shark man shrugged off his partner's thinly veiled annoyance and pulled out the critter stirring inside his shirt.

"Look what I found!" he said holding Deidara by the scruff of his neck despite the pig's furious kicks.

"Is that," Itachi poked the squirming bovine tentatively, "Deidara?"

"Yep." The pig squealed and scampered out of Kisame's grip.

"Oh God," Sakura paled, "there's _more _of you."

She was greeted by the sound of running water followed by a silky voice, "You should be blessed to be in the presence of an artist of my talents, yeah."

Sakura resisted the urge to cry or throw up.

"What?" Itachi turned away from him. "What?" Kisame twiddled his thumbs.

"...I'm naked aren't I?"

"Yep."

Itachi sighed getting up from the table, "I'll get you a towel."

"Thanks, yeah."

Several awkward moments later the blonde had successfully wrapped himself in Sakura's spare towel covered in depictions of baby koala bears and kangaroos. Adorable, really.

"Just shoot me now," Sakura moaned, and she glanced angrily at Itachi, "No, seriously do it."

"I will do no such thing until I am cured."

Damn it.

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Could someone get that? Or tell them to go away?" she begged frustrated as she slunk down in her chair.

"I don't think that's the door, yeah. Something's pecking at the window," Deidara said leaning over the sink to take a look, "Eh? Do you have messenger bird?" Sakura shook her head numbly.

Kisame pushed Deidara over to see more clearly, "Is this the Ton-ton chic?"

"She's not a bird, she's a pig! It's a silver bird, idiot," Deidara spat, sliding the window open, "Get in here stupid duck."

_Quack! Quack! _

The entire room stared blankly as the bird flew around the room angrily squawking and pecking at them before perching on the sink. As soon as the hot water began to run, they all knew something was wrong.

"Guess who's here ladies?" Hidan said smirking in all his manhood.

Sakura's slumped onto the kitchen table, "Shoot me now?"

"I'll seriously consider it."

Kisame stalked off to go find another towel murmuring that it couldn't possibly get any worse. But, honestly, he should know better than to say that by now because just then a note was slipped under Sakura's door bearing the worst news Itachi could have ever read, ever.

_Please note: The Marital Martial Arts Tournament had to be moved forward due to unexpected circumstances. The tournament will begin in four days. _

Sometimes Itachi could only think of one word to describe days like these, "Fuck."

Xxxxx

To be continued, soon this time. Like, within the month soon. Please, read and review. Sorry I died. School will do that to you. If you enjoyed this, just want to yell at me for taking so long or just want to say anything at all; please R&R.

And I was serious about what I said above. Half the reason I felt compelled to crank this out was (and felt so terribly guilty all the time) was because people were continuing to read and laugh at this mindless tripe. So...thank you. I'm glad you like it because I usually don't write light-hearted stuff of this nature (as anyone who is following the other stuff I'm cranking out can attest). Thanks for letting me clown around, I mean...experiment.

Also, this is comic in nature, please don't take any character bashing (can you really call it that? Everyone is really being torn apart here) seriously, because this is so not serious.

At all.


	11. The Schemes!

It's been a long time. Thank you so much for the continued reviews and favorites during my absence. Please R&R. Time for a recap set to cheery music! Still don't own Ranma or Naruto.

Itachi 1/2

Welcome to the Uchiha compound- Itachi's new home.

Since he's unhappily cursed- from Jusenkyo.

Splash some water on him, and a surprise you will see.

To his dismay, he sprouts many girly parts.

…Kiba's brand new fiancee?

The Main Cast!

Deidara- Now unwittingly the world's cutest pig.

Kisame- Not above selling Itachi for dowry to multiple people. Marked for death by Mangekyo.

Sakura- Somehow got dragged into this thanks to her knowledge of antidotes, and chakra control.

YOSH!

And Lee- Blindly leading team nice guy, into some sort of nefarious plan spearheaded by Tobi.

Tobi- But, he's a good boy (so it couldn't really be that nefarious could it)!

Naruto- Really wants to get out of Team Nice Guy.

Itachi- Too miserable, to bother himself to a description. Subject to hormonal swings from constantly transforming. His stoic facade now slips daily. Also, fainting spells as of late.

Kiba- Man-crush on female Itachi. Thinks they're getting married.

Neji- Thinks they're not getting married, despite being betrothed to Misa Hirano who inconveniently drowned in the Spring of Drowned Girl and Itachi now resembles. Also, hates Uchiha

Itachi, female- Also, hates Hyuugas. Fond of alias Kaoru. Grudge against Kiba's mother has compelled him to enter the Anything Goes Marital Martial Arts Tournament to show her whose boss. Kiba is an unwanted side bonus.

Hidan- Present varieties include Peking, Daffy, Scrooge, and Mighty. Oh, and he has a potty mouth.

Now on to a part of the plot, that perhaps may have been forgotten…

In the dark recesses of the Earth, there is a lair. A lair that we have laid eyes on before within which there is still an incredibly maniacal chair, upon which is an exceptionally nerdy looking super villain. Though today, he did seem to be having some problems mostly because he was dangling upside down.

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Kabuto questioned, blood rushing to his head.

"Uh," Zetsu fumbled as he flipped through a Physics 101 textbook, "I mean the gravity should technically, force Orochimaru out. Right?" The murderous glint from Kabuto's glasses caused the kidnapped plant to jump. "...Right?"

Kabuto appeared in front of the sputtering villain with in a puff of smoke his hands tightening around the mutant's neck. Zetsu tried to keep his eyes averted from now Kabuto's yellow orbs.

"I'm starting you think you have no idea how to separate us," a slimier voice whispered coldly into Zetsu's ear. He gulped visibly.

"These things take time. I was only able to split off after some practice," Zetsu stammered trying to find something interesting on the ceiling, "...and post-Orochimaru experiment."

Thud! The sound of Zetsu being unceremoniously tossed on the floor echoed through the chamber.

"What."

"Post-Orochimaru experiment-he's in there, right?" Zetsu questioned, trying to regain some dignity. Kabuto had kicked a sizable dent in his chair. "Oh, and could you remind him that he still owes me 20 dollars on the Sasori death bet?" The growl that escaped the spectacled man was enough of a reply. "On second thought, you know that can wait."

The kidnapped Akatsuki was desperately hoping that someone had noticed he was missing. With half the team running around the country like or literally a bunch of animals, he wasn't sure anyone would notice that the flytrap had exited the premises. If Kabuto wasn't holding the threat of being doused with Jusenkyo water over his head, he would've killed him and gotten out of there quickly. There was also the Orochimaru factor- it was hard to say how strong his lackey had gotten with him, somewhat stuck in there. …Was someone at the hideout watering his plants?

_Creaaak._

Kabuto, like any good villain, had entered a code into the panel next to his throne and revealed a hidden door.

"Come on," Kabuto said, grabbing a torch from the wall, "it's time to take a trip to the medical library." He ignored the look of disgust spreading across his captive's face. "See if we can dig up some old memories."

And true to form maniacal laughter echoed throughout the abandoned hideout.

Zetsu was right to wonder if anyone was watering his plants. Perhaps, what he should've mentioned, though its not like you can leave notes when you are being threatened and kidnapped, was that they turned quite ravenous when not cared for. In fact Kakuzu had just finished emptying wheelbarrows full of money into a small pool, so he could finally shake the dream he'd been having about swimming in a vat of coins, when a vine shot out of the floor ruining his hopes and nearly taking off his leg. The shouts and ensuing onslaught was enough to wake Konan, the only other member besides Pein left in the increasingly vacant hideout.

"What the," she said, grabbing a broom to beat the wailing, willow sapling into submission. "Has Zetsu not been watering these? Geez, Kakuzu couldn't you notice them drying out?"

"My money dive…"

"Forget I asked. Whoa-," She carefully, sidestepped the incoming stream of water from the doorway.

The thudding and wailing ceased quickly as the stream of water cascaded around the room. Pein stood unamused, brandishing a hose at the door.

"It seems Zetsu has been missing for several days," Pein deadpanned, twisting the nozzle of the hose shut. Konan's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Kakuzu you didn't notice?" But, Kakazu was simply staring forlornly into the pool, now have emptied with most of its contents scattered across the room. "No matter. It seems he was taken."

"By Liam Neeson?"

"What. Who? No, Kakuzu, no." His subordinate looked defeated. "Surveillance indicates Orochimaru might be involved somehow."

"What about the others?" Konan asked. Pein's face formed a grimline.

"They can mange for themselves. For now, we need to retrieve Zetsu. I have a bad feeling about this. And, if anyone else in the world knows something about reversing curses, it's that snake." What Pein spent the next few days trying to figure out is why Kakuzu cursed so profusely when he bothered to fill up his new pool.

But, the Akatsuki gang was not managing so well as it turned out. Itachi was in Sakura's kitchen explaining to an outraged Hidan, a third time, why he was not comfortable with him living in his old house if he planned to make sacrifices in the kitchen every day.

"There is simply not enough room for all of you," he stated calmly. "And so many new faces in a compound people have refused to live in for over a decade would arouse suspicion." The elder Uchiha leaned back to rest on Sakura's refrigerator. "Besides, I doubt they took the old noise ordinances off the books."

Deidara held back Hidan from axing the crimson-eyed man.

"Well where are we supposed to stay then, yeah," Deidara groaned. Kisame grinned showing all of his very pointed teeth.

"We were thinking, here," Kisame replied, but it was Sakura this time who had to be held back from committing murder.

"No." _Kick. _"No." _Shatter._ "No." _Thrash._ "NO!" Itachi watched this tirade with the faintest hint of amusement.

"The rumors are true, then," the criminal mused, "you do have a temper." Sakura tried send one of the shards of her broken vase flying at Itachi. He deflected it easily. "Honestly, Sakura. Since you are leading the research effort on reversing the curse, it only makes sense for us to make camp here." Another shard made a perfect arc towards his face. "I'm sure the other members can make themselves scarce in your basement." The look on Sakura's face showed how doubtful she was of this. "You do know how to make them shut up," he noted.

"Whoa," Deidara said, "calm down, yeah." The blonde knelt down to the floor using his clay to gather the broken vase and quickly returned it back to its original state with a flourish. "Some of us are gentlemen."

And before, Sakura could honestly consider, the new vase exploded with a loud pop in her face.

She called Lee over a few minutes later to ask she could borrow some towels to dry up a leak.

Of course, as the leader of Team Nice Guy, Lee appeared at Sakura's house within minutes bearing a tower of towels which exceeded the height of his head. At his side, were Naruto looking a bit worn out holding a mop, and a masked man whose arms were laden with buckets.

"Team Nice Guy, to the rescue! Lee, here," the jovial youth struggled, to free his hand to perform the nice guy pose, but the towels merely toppled all over Sakura's front door step.

"And Tobi is a good boy!" The masked man declared, succeeding at the nice guy pose.

"Hey Sakura," Naruto said, noticeably embarrassed. "I don't really have a title." He stepped over the towels. "Where's the spill?" A shriek pierced through the air, as Naurto pointed. "What the heck is that?"

Sakura strolled in calmly after Naruto who was staring open-mouthed at a duck which was trapped under a laundry-crate methodically drawing pentagrams across its side.

"Oh," she mumbled, "found him at the zoo." Naruto placed the mop aside and poked at the squawking bird.

"Oh. That's," _uncharacteristic, _he thought, but vocalized, "interesting." A squeal caught his attention and he found a small pig perched on Sakura's counter. Lee and Tobi were trying to finish escorting their cleaning service into Sakura's apartment.

"Is that a monocle?" he said, tilting his head, but he was all but shoved aside by Tobi.

"Senpa-," he stopped himself, glancing nervously around, "I mean, sausage dinner?"

Squeal! Translation: Fuck.

Sakura shook her head. "No," her eyes locked with the glaring pig's, "he's a bit of a runt." She ignored the angry noises from her countertop and grabbed her lab coat. "I will leave you boys to it. Have to escort my...cousin to the training grounds." It was then Itachi descended the stairs, in new borrowed clothes, a set of breathable pants with a bright crimson shirt.

"Kaoru," he said in introduction, nodding towards the Kyuubi container, taking note at this interesting development, and Tobi whose eyes narrowed underneath his mask.

"Tobi thinks you seem familiar," the masked man said, and he quickly glanced towards the satanic duck and monopoly pig, before returning his gaze to the transformed Itachi. It was all that both men needed to know each other was now fully updated.

"Perhaps," mused Kaoru, "I will take my leave. Nice meeting you." And the mysterious girl followed Sakura quickly out the door and down the street.

"Nice meeting you too!" Chimed Naruto and Lee, but when they turned back to survey the mess, they saw that Tobi and the other two animals were gone.

"Maybe he _was_ hungry," Lee said standing on Sakura's drenched floor.

Naruto scratched the back of his head nervously. "Maybe." The blond turned to go acquire some more towels from Sakura's basement when Lee heard Naruto curse loudly. The taijutsu master sprinted to the top of the stairs.

"Shit, Lee. Did Sakura always have a pet shark?"

Things were starting to get weird around here.

And since things are starting to get weird, here is a weirdly forced transition into Sakura and Itachi's trek to the training field.

"Any sign of Sasuke," she whispered under her breath.

"Not since our last encounter. I imagine he and his team are making themselves scarce." The pink-haired girl mused over this in silence for the duration of their journey.

By his count, Itachi only had three days until the Anything Goes Marital Martial Arts Tournament and the humiliation of that dreadful Inuzuka woman. He was looking forward to the look on her face when she realized how ridiculous she and her entire charade was. A part of him felt sorry for Kiba being dragged into this by his idiot partner and psychotic mother. _Well,_ he thought recalling dogs crawling across the dining room table a few nights before, psychotic family.

Sakura handed him a thermos when they arrived at the grounds. "Put up the genjutsu quick after we transform, we don't want that sensor nin to find you."

Itachi transformed before Sakura's eyes, the clothes she'd chosen were pliable enough that they fit him either way. "Wouldn't that be convenient for you?" his deep voice mused.

"Not when you left your entire organization at my house as collateral," she snorted. Itachi looked pained.

"Am I seen through so easily?" he mused. Sakura was about to give him a piece of her mind when the genjutsu seamlessly formed into place, and she found herself looking into the eyes of Kaoru.

"You're already," she mumbled, checking his chakra flow, "very good at that." A smirk crossed Kaoru's features.

"I wish for my life to return to normal, nothing more. I've been practicing," he replied smoothly. He sank into a fighting stance. "Let's get ready for this tournament."

Sakura panicked, suddenly realizing who her opponent was genjutsu facade or not. Even though he was nice enough to fix her table and protect her from Sasuke's crazed pals, he was still Itachi Uchiha. "Wait, whoa! Whoa!" She stopped him. "I thought you were the honorable member of Akatsuki." She said playing her only card and hoping it would work.

"I murdered my clan, Sakura," he reminded.

She held up a hand stopping him. "But not your little brother," she added, "and, since then no one unnecessarily. So why, mess all that up at the Inuzuka's tournament. Show Kiba's mom whose the better man!" …Wait, that was not right. "Better woman."

Itachi seemed to consider this. "You think I should enter as Kaoru."

"That way,when you win, there can't even be any protest."

He really did want to make that insufferable woman pay as much as possible. Before he could even think, Sakura had splashed him with water out of her canteen. He dropped the genjutsu quickly, and was radiating anger even in his now smaller form.

"I was still considering your offer." With Itachi much more handicapped, Sakura felt a lot more secure about her life prospects. She removed the thermos from her pack so he could see it, before quickly replacing it.

"Well," she smirked, "see if you can make me change my mind." Itachi became very still. She wasn't sure if she had pushed him to anger, or if he was accepting her challenge. Her eyes suddenly made contact with the spin of the Sharingan activating. This was going to be a long day.

xxxx

"Sasuke!" Karin yelled, shaking the younger Uchiha. "Wake up." She shook him again, for good measure. An angry scowl was her greeting.

"What." He was quite irritated with their present situation, which was sleeping in the depths of Konoha's sewer system. He supposed he had experienced worse, but his new traveling companions knew how to make any experience excruciatingly awful. Suigetsu had taken to sneaking up on anyone who got anywhere near the waterway. This new habit and lack of access to more sanitary substance for the Mist nins habit had given him a permanent stench. The sewer also made it so they were in relatively close quarters, meaning escaping from Karin was difficult. The only person who seemed unaffected was Juugo, who had gathered a small army of sewer rats to do who knows what. He swore last night he was teaching them to sing. What Sasuke didn't know was Juugo was actually training them to follow his bidding. He had a certain first task in mind, but Sasuke couldn't be bothered very much with these details.

"What." He repeated frustrated.

"It's the shadow clone I sent out," she said. "Picked up traces of your brother's chakra in town."

He shot up immediately on alert. "Where in town?"

She gulped. He wasn't going to like this…

Xxxx

Itachi waved goodbye to Sakura who left to begin her night shift. He hoped Kisame had not gotten too comfortable in Sakura's aquarium. He would feel quite badly if he ate up _all_ of her fish. The girl was not to be underestimated; she had put him on the ropes a number of times. She was formidable. His brother was wrong to underestimate her. A sigh escaped his lips. He was going to bruise, but Sakura had taught him a thing of two about how to move better in this form. He should be more than set to take on his opponents, but something Sakura said was beginning to worry him.

_You know the Martial Martial Arts Tournament isn't just about fighting…_

Did he really want to know what that meant? All he wanted was a nice warm shower to transform back. Now that he knew, he was in the body of a dead girl, Misa Hirano, it made him feel a bit uncomfortable. He also really wanted to avoid meeting any more of her old friends and acquaintances. Maybe, it was time he invested in a hood or something.

He had reached the Uchiha compound, his feet noticeably heavy. He didn't sense Kisame; his partner had probably made himself at home in Sakura's basement. _Foolish man._ Itachi slid open the door to his family's house, and stepped inside, but he was not prepared for what greeted.

"And what business do you have here?" a cool voiced queried.

His lips formed into a grim line as he stared into the face of his brother sitting with a sword across his lap in the middle of their living room.

So much for that shower…

Xxxx

To be continued. I'm back to writing regularly. Hope this update made you happy. I will try and keep them coming on a pretty normal basis. Please check out my other Naruto story, Crassulean Metabolism. It's a totally different beast than this (quite serious), but I'll be floating around writing for Itachi 1/2, Crassulean Metabolism and the Enigma Variations (Bleach). Please read and review. Reviews are really encouraging. Part of the reason I felt compelled to come back is people kept favoring, and reviewing this story despite my long absence. Thanks so much for the support.


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